Blast from the Past...

I was paging through The Sunday Times Magazine today and saw(for the fifth time) that The Pet Shop Boys had made a comeback!I decided to read the article(Trust me, when you are THAT bored, you will even read the fucking dictionary... MORAL OF THIS STORY: Always keep a decent stash of reading material at work, get a cooler job or take a daily vitamin called PROZAC!)

So according to the article, the pair of now grey Domino Dancing boys were the best selling pop artists of the 80's and made a comeback album this year called YES! I'm sorry but I fail to feel the excitement of this alleged historic event! I was still crapping myself when these guys were in the prime of their careers, so the closest I got to experiencing their music was laughing my smooth, infant balls off while watching my older next of kin doing "The Egyptian" dance and sing along to their songs on TV! Amusing but not something I felt an urge to do...

This is somewhat disturbing though... Not so long ago, BELLBOTTOMS came back in fashion! WTF!?! Slowly but surely the past is coming back and blasting in our faces! What if MULLET"S come back in fashion? What about the rolled up sleeves, raised collar, moustache and thick ass chain look comes back into fashion!? What about the chicks with their Honeycomb hairstyles!? You know the hairstyle that looks like they washed their hair in liquid Viagra! If that hairstyle happened earlier than the 80's then where I am from, people were stuck in a fucking Timewarp because I saw the Anthill hairstyle still lurking till I was about 14 years old! Sorry!

So yeah, if amid the whole "Global Warming" fiasco going on we are going through some kind of "Blast from the Past"... Then that is just fucking scary... What's worse Global Warming or having to have that hairstyle like you see in the picture!? Diificult to answer isn't it!? The Beatles were cool for their music... But sadly looking at that picture I can firmly say Nothing Else!

Stay tuned. Ciao.

Check that... Mate!!!

I have spoken about the subject of "Parallel Universes" before on my blog, well if those supposed "parallel's" exist, then I am quite sure I found mine today, I read about it in the newspaper.

I was there as usual seated in my customary position that just exudes boredom from all angles, wiping away sweat droplets that grew instantly from my forehead as the 30 + Degrees of heat seeped in. I always read the newspaper everyday, partly because I dig reading, partly because I might be slowly getting fucking OLD but mostly because it's an effective way to curb boredom even if it is just for a couple of minutes. So paging through it there it was...

A story about a french fry who happens to be fucking good at playing Chess(and drinking by the sounds of it). He went to the land of spicy samoosa's(India) for a chess tournament and was so drunk, that everytime it was his turn to make a move he was busy catching Zzz's. His opponents tried to shake some energy into him, but to no avail, he was completely SHIT-FACED and had to be disqualified and CARRIED out of the building! Now, this very same thing(except the chess part in India) has happened to me on various occasions.

That is why I say that in my parallel universe I am this dude that I read about...TOTafuckingLLY! I am a 35 year old very intelligent chess playing alcoholic french fry in my parallel universe(assuming that shit exists!) Haha! Who would've thought!? I wonder if I have had a "menage a trois" there already!?

Well, all i can say for that dude is he can thank FUCK that there were no CORNFLAKES or VIENNAS lying around there, because if "Parallel Universes" had to exist, he would have a "taste" of my universe!!! ;-)

Ciao.Stay Tuned!

Monday like no other... But still a Monday!

Well surprisingly enough, today wasn't quite as bad as it's predecessors, still bad... But not quite as fucked up! It is probably because after getting completely shit-faced on Saturday night and having a somewhat unsuccessful tryst with a descending escalator, I spent about twelve hours of my Sunday catching Zzz's!

So I woke up pretty refreshed, however I won't be able to say the same thing about tomorrow! What news can I bring forth tonight... Hmm... I love the english language and how we can twist and bend it to suit our communicational needs! A couple of weeks ago, I stumbled upon an article in the Sunday Times newspaper(Forgot who wrote it, sorry!) about a certain stone, called The Blarney Stone... now rumour has it, that if you pucker up and give this cold, immovable object a nice fat wet one... It will magically reward your affections by granting you "The Gift of The Gab" which means you will all of a sudden be able to speak very fluently and will be able to be very persuasive with your new found oral talents!... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

So let me see if I can get this straight here... You go there, you wait in a line for like half your holiday to kiss a fucking cold stone that has been kissed by about half the planet... All for the sake of having an extensive vocabulary and an unmatchable ability to use said vocabulary!? Isn't going to college a much more practical idea which will give you the same result? I mean come on, college girls VS a stone! Hello! But amazingly enough, people flock this stone by the millions... I don't say I won't ever do it... Just for the kick of it... I will most certainly add it to my "To Do" list, if I am gifted with a superhuman ability of speech... I will use it to persuade Mila Kunis to go out on a date with me! That would be AWESOME! If sucking face with a cold, "prostitutish"(Ofcourse it's "prostitutish"! People pay to kiss it!) stone is what it takes... Than so be it! ;-)

Ciao. Stay Tuned... Today's songs: Plain White T's-Delilah, Alanis Morissette-Hands Clean. White Zombie-More human than human & Billy Talent-Surrender(I was quite busy on my pc today... All AWESOME SONGS!)

PS: "Prostitutish" is officially a WORD as of NOW!

Things you shouldn't be doing when you drunk...

Last night I went to a mate of mine's birthday party and as always... It was LEGENDARY! Awesome party! I got so fucking hammered that I still woke up dizzy today!

Apart from having a wicked time and a collosal hangover that is making me feel like the skidmarks on Shrek's underwear, I also believe it or not, learnt something. Yes, even though I was so shitfaced, there were still enough functioning cells in my brain to memorize this important lesson.... Never before has "Learn from your mistakes" rang so true! This is the VERY NB thing I learnt last night:

1) DO NOT under any circumstances what so ever run UP a descending escalator EVER when you are shitfaced!

I shit you not, this happened to me last night! We left the nightclub bright and early and I was rancidly shit faced! We were on our way down on an escalator when my friends decided to turn around and run up... (Still don't know why though!) back into the club, I not wanting to be left alone on a contraption that could make much more co-ordinated movements than i could at that point, decided to also make my way back into the club. I charged up the escalator at (in my mind) a very high speed and fell... Twice if I remember correctly!

That explains my sore bruised knee this morning! So important lesson for you all today... If you do not learn from your own mistakes... Then for fuck sakes you better learn from mine! Do Not under any circumstances run UP a descending escalator at a high speed while shit faced because your knees become your break pads! Not Nice... Trust me!

Ciao. Stay Tuned. :-)

BOYS of the Playboy Mansion!?!

I discovered today that I live right next door to the Playboy Mansion! My neighbour is an aspiring Hugh Hefner (with very disturbing taste I might add!)

About two months ago my neighbour met Anna, our house cleaner, for the first time and it was love at first sight! He was absolutely besotted with her, he didn't wait to make his move (he must have known that time wasn't exactly on his side!) he spotted her outside alone and went in for the "kill"... he made some small talk, like asking her name and all that shite but then he didn't bother to pepper her up with compliments and cut right to the chase... Offering her 200 bucks to go to his bedroom... I'm not sure, but I reckon he needed her to Spit Shine alot more than just his bedposts! She was fucking appauled by his suggestion and told him to take a hike, adding that she wasn't some call girl that he could pay for afew minutes of Slap n Tickle & marched into the house, leaving him there to wallow in his own dust! We thought it would end there...

Today however, he launched Round 2 of mission "Nail Anna"... he was watching her from his window and must have been seriously turned on by her rather large gyrating ass which moved in sync with her arm as she wiped the outside windows... He must have been extremely hot under the collar because what he done next is beyond all human understanding... He stripped down into his somewhat "worn out" birthday suit and started fiddling around with his "rumble pack"!(No doubt looking for the START button...) He must have thought he would be coming on a little too "strong" if he shouted out her name while doing his "prep" and opted to whistle instead, hoping that she would be even more impressed by what he could do with both his hands and his mouth!... She wasn't... Whatever it was she saw scared the fuck out of her because she ran into the house SCREAMING like a demented person! My mom went outside to see what all the commotion was about and imitated Anna sans the screaming though and was laughing instead! So the dude had a REALLY good DARK COMEDY going on there! Afterwards they told him his strip tease was too good to be enjoyed only by two people alone and insisted on calling the cops... He quite hastily chickened out then... Poor Guy... Had a sudden case of Stage fright and ran away!

Note to all: When buying a house always check if your neighbours have curtains on their big windows... Because if they think curtains cramp their style... It could mean something much more explicit... Be careful... Unless she's a hot blonde/brunette! ;-)

Ciao. Stay Tuned

Common Sense!? Say What!?

We are all human, we all get these unexplainable moments of complete madness where we let out a mother of all brainfarts and do, say or ask something completely stupid! it is famously called a "blonde moment"... Some people have alot more "headgas" than others and get these "power outages" much more often!(Sorry, can't blame Eskom for this one!)

I am certainly not immune to this... I have had some pretty serious "short circuits"... But none that I want to talk about right now! Fuck I've had meaningful conversations with BEER BOTTLES for fuck sakes! But that's as far as I will go! Use your Imaginations! ;-) So let me just talk about the classic case of "Bad Wiring" that I witnessed today right in fucking front of me! That's right, today I was an eye-witness to an explosion of stupidity!

The victim of the Common Sense Deficiency virus was a young lady who sauntered into my place of work and started walking around aimlessly, looking around at just about everything that was for sale and even everything that wasn't! She finally settled in front of a certain item, picked it up and started looking at it from all humanly possible angles, turning and flipping it around... The poor Item must have really felt VIOLATED! Then she gestured for one of my colleagues to approach her by waving said item in the air as if it was on auction! Then the ticking of the time bomb began... LOUD AND CLEAR... It went something like this:

Colleague(C): Yes ma'am?

"Einstein" with boobs(E): Are these the green apples? (They were yellow!)

(C): No ma'am, these are the yellow ones, called Goldens.

(E): Are they sweet? (She looked like she was in her mid thirties... Where has she BEEN the last THIRTY YEARS to not know if APPLES ARE SWEET!?!)

(C): I like them, don't know if you will.

(E): How much are they?

(C): Very cheap... Ten!

(E): Ten what? (BOOM!)

Now correct me if I'm wrong here, but I'm quite sure we use RANDS here isn't it!? There are no other secret currencies being used are there!? So that is a very daft question! Yes I know he didn't specify, but come on is it really necessary!? It's quite obvious in this year of 2009, where a loaf of bread (which is suppose to be a "Bargain Buy") will set you back about 8 bucks, that a packet of apples will NOT be 10 cents! So the only obvious conclusion is that it is TEN RANDS! Isn't it!? But in any case we specified, she bought and left... Service with a Smile! Right!? (Popping vein like "Stressed Eric"!)

Maybe "The Prawns" brought a currency of their own when they landed in "District 9" and it is now secretly in circulation! Hmm... Saw the trailer of that movie and it looks fucking AWESOME! Can't wait to indulge my insatiable appetite for cinema and watch it!

For some very odd and unexplainable reason, I find myself listening to Lilly Allen-Smile at this very moment as I am writing this!?! Catchy is all I can say right now! ;-)

Stay Tuned. Ciao.

Cougarville!

After enduring another nard drenching day of 30 + Degrees Celsius heat, I was fucking ecstatic to finally come home to an ice cold shower, a decent meal and my beloved PC with a Heineken at my arms length!

I watched Two & Half Men earlier on and today's episode dealt with "Charlie Harper" coming to terms with the fact that his youth is slowly disappearing with every wrinkle he appears to collect! Getting fossilized sucks! For men, there's little comfort or redemption when Father Time starts kicking us in the ass... We get fat, the viagra we start taking only seems to work on our ears and noses and the hair on our heads decides to migrate south...

Then there's women, they also get fat and out of proportion but the worst thing that happens to the fairer sex is that everything on their bodies except their hair decides to migrate south! There comes a time in their lives where "push up" bra's just won't cut it... And they have to resort to cosmetic surgery... Which leaves them looking like raisins attached to a Barbie Dolls head!

I hate wine! Just the thought of those bottles of squashed grapes drenched in foot germs, vinegar and alcohol is enough to make me call RALPH at the top of my LUNGS! So I wouldn't know if wine does get better with age... But if that rumour is to be believed... Then there are definitely women out there who are just like (alleged) fine wine... They certainly do get better with age! Here are three of the most awesome examples of "vintage birds"(Vintage=50 years old and up!) who look just as good as "vintage wine" apparently tastes... Valuable "Antiques":

3) Madonna-(Minus the gap in her teeth and the fact that her arms are alot more toned than mine!) Looks pretty hot for a women who just turned 51!

2) Susan Sarandon-(Don't know how old she is, but I am quite sure she is over 50!) She Looks MIGHTY hot!

But I must say, in place NUMERO one(1) at an AMAZING Dust gathering 59 years old... Morgan Fairchild is the hottest Vintage Bird I have ever seen! WOW!... She is gorgeous for a woman who is old enough to be my grandmother!!! Did i hear someone say Grandmother Fucker!?! ;-)

Ciao. Stay Tuned! :-)