Porra's and Garlic

Like most porra dudes, I am hairy in all the right places and even some wrong places!.. I'd rather not tell you where I work, but let me just say that it is quite the average job for a porra! I'm not a huge wine fan, but I love beer just as much as the average porra loves wine, so my radar is abit "off" target but working 100 %!

Here's another thing I love, that can be very much associated with my raca(rassa)... I love garlic! People don't understand why we love garlic... I don't understand how someone can NOT love garlic... It's FUCKING awesome! We add it just to about every single meal in our menu's, we add to our bread for breakfast(Garlic Bread), we add it to our meat for lunch and we'll add it to our fish for dinner! I know that our need for a daily garlic fix has extremely horrible side-effects like "napalm breath"! But when you write down the "Pro's and Con's"... I think the "Pro's" outway the "Con's"(I repeat... I think!?!)

Besides tasting AWESOME... Garlic is apparently very good for your health, it acts as a purifier for ones body and apparently helps in lowering blood pressure that is reason enough to just keep grazing garlic as if you were stuck in Dracula's back garden! Which by the way is another advantage of garlic grazing... It protects you from vampires! Have you ever heard of Dracula "taking a holiday" in Portugal? Ofcourse not! He would die of poisoning by "Garlic Dioxide"!

I admit, garlic makes your breath smell awful... Which obviously does jackshit for one's sex-life! Which is why you should always carry a gas mask in your boot... "In case of Emergency"! This is why I have come up with this brilliant equation: Garlic + Mouthwash + toothpaste + toothbrush = Picture of health with great smelling mouth...(The rest is up to you...)!

Please don't be offended fellow porra's... I am just as Porra as you and Proudly so... Plus i'm only kidding!

(PS: The apple has to do with where I work... Hint...Hint!) ;-)

Ciao. Stay tuned! :-)

Human Nature?

After politely finishing a bag of chips all by myself while my hungry family members just watch me, I thought about something... Have you ever stopped to think about how people greet one another nowadays?

"Wassup?" "How's it hanging?" "Howzit?" "How's it going?"... Now, among others, these are the most common that I have heard. What do these phrases have in common? They all appear to be speaking about SOMETHING! Yes, a noun, something you can touch... "Wassup?"(What's up?)... What do you mean "what's UP!?"... "How's it hanging?"... What do you mean "How's IT hanging?"... What the fuck is the BASIS of these seemingly polite questions!? I find them a tad offensive! How can ask you some one you have just met... "How's IT?" or "What's UP?"... What the fuck is this "IT"!?

I'm sure we can all relate to this scenario either now, or as kids when our foggies use to do this... When you were getting ready to go to some event, one of the individuals that were the cause of your existence get a BRAINSTORM and say "C'mon kids we have to get there just abit earlier so we can get the best seats!"... So you all rush and do a half ass job at trying to look presentable so you can arrive an hour earlier than the proposed time... Only to arrive there and see that the place is PACKED already!? You stand baffled and amazed! Why? Why do people get amazed by this? Did it ever occur to us that maybe, just maybe the other people at this event are just as human as we were and had the same ability to come up with the very same "theory" we assumed to create(and no doubt were just as baffled as we are at how EVERYONE "COPIED" them)!?

Why is it that if someone famous walked into our house, we would cook them a meal and if you were anything like me you would open your trusty bottle of OLMECA and get totally sozzled in celebration of meeting said person but when a homeless dude asks us to spare some change we totally tell him to FUCK OFF and get a job!?

Why is it that everytime chicks buy new clothes, the ones they bought the week before suddenly become OLD, but they never give them away!? (Ladies-Photo's are memories... Not clothes!)

These are just a handful of the things that I wonder about how we are wired and why we do the shit we do!?

Ciao. Stay Tuned! :-)

Cold Showers

Ladies, when you see those words, you automatically get images of sexually frustrated men who perve over anything that walks(including your cat!) and lick their lips when they see you flash just a slight bit of your gorgeous cleavages and the somewhat disturbing bit of this very accurate information is that said men are usually between the ages of 55 and 95 years old!



Well I involuntarily took a cold shower today! It was absolutely not necessary, but it just happened! I didn't perve over any animals and unfortunately I didn't get to see any kind of cleavages either! ;-(... I was in the shower, doing my thing when all of a sudden the hot water vanished faster than swine flu is spreading! I stood there doing some kind of spastic "dance" trying to avoid the icy droplets reaching my more "sensetive" parts! Luckily I was almost done, so my hypothermic experience was almost over!

I finally knew how Leonardo Di Caprio felt in the that movie where he's floating on a log about to die for his "one true love" to be saved... HAHAHA!!! (Sorry-Yes I am talking about that movie I heard some people watched about a gazillion times: "Titanic") I was also trying to save something, my ability to experience "One True Love"... By keeping my "Rumble Pack" warm after the overwhelming barrage of cold water! Hot showers are bad for dudes... So are COLD ones(TRUST ME!)

Ciao. Stay tuned! :-)

Rings under my eyes

That bitch just kept me up again, I tossed and turned all night long but she wasn't satisfied... She wanted more... She needed more! I switched on my TV, but she didn't get the hint... She was like a nymph always on my back, switched off the TV and layed back again, counted afew sheep but I got bored and fucking annoyed... But no sign of exhaustion! Fuck!

I had heard that a glass of warm milk usually does the trick, but quite frankly I was too lazy to go and do that so I chilled with Insomnia in bed instead, looking for other "solutions" to make her go away. I closed my eyes and imagined myself sleeping... But that's exactly how it remained, an image without a shred of reality. The hours went by and then Insomnia seemed to get tired as I felt myself FINALLY drift away... "Marcio...GET UP!"... It was time to go to work and I only managed to get about two hours of sleep... Funnily enough, I spent most of my working day trying to stay AWAKE! She did all that she wanted and left in the morning... leaving me feeling "used"like a prostitute, but a free one!

I'm yawning as I write this, so it seems Insomnia has found someone else to fulfill her sadistic "desires" tonight...

Now excuse me while I go OD on vitamin Z now!

Ciao. Please Stay Tuned.

Pairs

All useful things come in pairs... Hands, feet, arms, legs... Beer comes in 12 pairs, everything that is awesome comes in two's...

I'm not much of a poker player, but I believe there is such a thing called a "pair" which is apparently good... Then you get "Two Pair" which is obviously better! Cars have two pairs of tyres, you get my drift... Everything around us seems to work better when it is "accompanied"... Even drinks work better when combined, the "Shooters Bar" is the perfect example of "Teamwork"!... I'm going to make my blog "educational" by introducing a series of "calculations" that are going to illustrate my theory on "Perfect Teamwork" at a "Shooters Bar"....

But firstly, when you take that "short" walk to the "Shooters Bar", you are usually on a mission, because all the lovely young ladies are already "coupled" or because your "charm" died of alcohol poisoning weeks ago!(Mating Season runs all year round at most night clubs... I think???) you have nothing left to do but get FUBAR(Refer to my "Learning Curve" if some of my terminology confuckulates you) So getting FUBAR becomes your sole purpose for the night and this is why maths was important at school:

1) Beer = Good
Whisky= Better
Beer + Whisky = Boiler Room!(AKA- BEST!)

2) Red Bull = Gives you wings
Jagermeister = "Jacked up" Vicks
Red Bull + Jagermeister = Jagerbomb!(AKA- GREAT MEDICINE TO OVERDOSE ON!)

So EVEN at the bar... The drinks work best in pairs! "Teamwork" is essential to achieve your goals! ;-)

And now I end off with my favourite PAIR of all time... (Drumroll please...) Not only do they look GREAT from any angle!(Depending on how old they are!) They won't EVER get out of fashion and you won't EVER get tired of playing with them! The fact that they come in a VARIETY of sizes just keeps them FUN! If you still don't know what i'm going on about... Here's a hint... They are the GREATEST treasure you can find in a CHEST! :-)

Ciao. Stay Tuned! :-)

Friday drill

Oh my weekend started off promising indeed... my mom woke me up and said eleven words that just shattered my day..."Oh yes, the dentist phoned, your appointmen is at eight today!" (Told you it was 11, I know you counted!)

I hate going to dentists... Always have since way before I sprouted pubes and after watching that horror movie by the same name, my fears have just exasperated! As I walked in to the reception area, my heart began to race... I wasn't going in for any complicated procedures, it was just for a little "spring cleaning" but I couldn't help it... You know how normally in movies secretaries are these gorgeous girls with the most incredible racks!? Well, even that part of this experience wasn't going my way... She was friendly, but WAY past the 35 mark to provide any kind of comfort!

So I sat down on that dreaded chair, it looks comfortable until you're in it... Then you realise just how badly looks can deceive! So as the Dr. lowers the "torture chair" he makes "small talk" with you, as if you guys are going on some kind of "date"...."How are you?" "Fine." You say with a smile, but in the back of your mind you are thinking "How the F**K do you think i'm feeling knowing that you are about to probe my largest cavity!?" Then come the more technical questions..."What can I do for you today? When was the last time you were here?" You talk sh*t by telling him you can't remember, but actually you know all too well that the last time you were there, you were still a virgin!

Then he starts pulling out these outrageous looking instruments that sound very painful... I know that dentists sterilise all their sh*t but I just can't shake this f***ing thought while the dentist gives his "undivided" attention to my teeth... Where were those instruments before they landed up HERE!? In who's mouth were they!? You wouldn't share forks or spoons with that "dodgy" looking dude who you smell before you can even see right? Well for all you know you could be sharing dental utensils with that dude! See what I mean? But noone else dies from it so why should you!? No worries!

He eventually finishes his job, much to your relief, then he advises you on how to brush your teeth properly and tells you to floss etc... You agree, even though you know you won't do it!

Got to go back in about six months "apparently" just for a "check up"... Once again I agreed, but we'll see!

Ciao. Stay tuned. :-)

My weekend

Yes I know it is kind of late to be writing about my weekend TODAY... But I was having a slight dillema, I couldn't decide wether to write a Facebook note or write on my blog... So I looked up at my "peers" and decided to do what they do when faced with a decision which involves choosing one thing over another... I did BOTH! :-)

So this weekend I done something that women are normally well known for... "Window shopping"! Except, I was not looking for shoes or clothes, I was f***ing hungry and couldn't decide wtf to eat! So I drove around like a "tit"(excuse the pun) while I decided... I walked into the local supermarket, then walked out, I walked past countless take out joints and was still undecided... Then I fell into the typical thing that most humans do when they are undecided... I ended up going back to the very first place I was at and finally bought some food!

There is only ONE difference between my experience and the experience of countless woman across the globe when they "window shop"... I didn't see what the "fuss" was all about because I didn't f***ing enjoy it! Women love "window shopping"... Ofcourse they prefer buying but "window shopping" is a close second! Quite frankly I don't see the "fun" in walking around looking at stuff you not going to buy and to top that all off, you look through so much shit that you have to go back to the first one just to "recap" because you have already forgotten!

Yes I know what you thinking..."You men Window shop for cars!"... YES we do!(Applause)... BUT... There's one difference... The cars we not going to buy, we can still TEST DRIVE, Yeah we can actually drive the car out of the garage and experience it fully without buying it! I would like to see you lovely ladies trying on that brand new dress and try "waltz" out of the store! See how far you get!?!

Have a great night. Please stay tuned! :-)

MILT"A"

In this age of cyber language we are filled with abbreviated sentences that have become part of our daily interaction with eachother... Yes it is true that this sudden language phenomenon does absolutely nothing for the improvement of writing, but if you can't beat them, join them! It isn't going to slowdown at the rate I see it growing! We have our LOL's and LMFAO's and we have even created some of our own sentence words like LMFBO-(Laughing my F Balls off.) and my personal favourite thanks to a good buddy of mine LMFMO-(Laughing my F MINGE off!)

You must be thinking WTF is a MINGE! Well it is whatever you want it to be! Much like the word TOOL which I also love! It's a multitasking word! Yes ladies we can do it too! Let me throw in just off the top of my head yet another abbreviated sentence just for good measure... LMFTO-(Laughing my F TOOL off!)

But what brings me here today is another abbreviated sentence... MILF... I like the meaning of this word, but the word itself is kind of "off" for me... Milf to me sounds like "offed" Milk! Which to be honest doesn't give justice to the subject matter that the word is suppose to carry... I mean do you think of "offed" Milk when you see a HOT older women? I hope not!

Which is why i have come up with an alternative word/sentence which doesn't sound like "offed" milk and certainly gives justice to the subject matter! MILT"A"...Pronounced: MILL TAA(with fingers signalling inverted comma's.) It means Mother I Like To "Admire". Yes it may sound like an "abortion" of note! But it works for me!

So long live the MILT"A"s for me anyway! ;-)

Thank you very much! Ciao. Stay tuned!

Fur Burgers

Pick up your jaws now, stop holding your breaths and calm down... We all know what fur burgers are, especially those who have watched the movie Harold and Kumar...

I am going to share with you a story, there was one fine day when I felt super hungry and decided to buy a burger, no need to say where because the finer details are not important, so anyway I bought the burger and as soon as I layed eyes on it, I fell in love... It looked so good in it's salad dressing I could barely control myself as I peered into the box to spy on it...

So I got home, washed my hands, got a plate and really set the mood for this intimate encounter I was about to have... So I opened the box, carefully cupped the burger into my hands and took my first bite, it was awesome, tasted amazing! BUT then as I rotated the burger to take a bite from the other side of it, I froze... As I noticed something somewhat sinister...

There was something on my burger, it was just there staring at me wickedly preventing me from enjoying the rest of my meal... It was a HAIR! I broke a cold sweat tapping my burger very hard to check for any signs of it being alive... (it wasn't.) Why would my burger grow a pube!?

Then some gross thoughts crossed my mind... What if it was really a PUBE!? Or if it was a hair, was it washed atleast... I could "shave" it and it would be "clean" but i just couldn't "shave" the image of me eating a burger with "stubble".

So i had no choice but to throw it away, now i double check my burgers for "mohawks" when i buy them... I don't believe this is what was meant by the term "FURBURGERS"!

Ciao. Stay tuned.