Men and Tennis

Jane arrived home and much to her surprise... Jim was sitting on the couch drinking HERBAL TEA and eating Coconut cookies... Watching TENNIS!.. "Look at that backhand.. Whoo!" he shouted!.."Hi honey!" he said as he saw her standing frozen.

"Honey!?" she thought to herself, she rushed to his side and touched his head to see if he had a fever. Normally, she would arrive home on the weekends and Jim would be sitting there on the couch drinking insurmountable amounts of beer, watching rugby and normally, when he would see her, he would say, "Gimme the remote, QUICKLY!"

"Are you okay?" Jane asked.. "I'm great, why?" He replied, kissing her tenderly. "Well you don't normally watch TENNIS!" she said "Plus the last time you called me HONEY was on our wedding day 15 years ago!" she continued... "What a BACKHAND!" he exclaimed...

When she turned around, she noticed he was watching Women's Tennis! Then knew at once that her husband was definitely admiring the BACK... But wasn't quite sure if it was of her HAND!.. Slightly relieved that her husband seemed normal and as she walked back to the kitchen, she noticed an empty case of beer bottles behind the couch!.."Aah... Jim, Jim, Jim!... You okay!" she said, smiling!

Songs... 17/12/2008

Yes i sit here poignantly writing this semi-morbid blog post, why?... Well i looked at the calender today and felt a slight wave of sadness... You see it was on this very day two months ago that i crash-landed into Singlesville!





It was on this very day two months ago that i ironically drove into singlesville and the song playing on my radio was "Play On" by The Parlotones..." Goodbye Sadness leave me alone... Hello Murphy, have you come to pass your law?..."



You know a scar really is a constant reminder of the pain you once had, but if you look at it, it is also a reminder of something that made you a stronger person, because if it's a scar, then the wound has healed... So next time you look at your "scars"... Don't think about the pain, think about how you got over it and take it as a reminder of what made you a stronger person!


So yeah, that's "whats eating Gilbert Grape" today, so to speak... Coz im still busy healing my "wounds" and picking up my "pieces"... If you find any, give 'em to me! PLEASE :)





Thank you to all my friends and family... You guyz Rock! BIGTIME! :)





"...Im not crazy, im just alittle unwell..." (Matchbox20)





Yours semi-morbidly just for today... :)





Stay tuned!

Daddy long legs and I

Got home from a hot and heavy session with Gym(Her name is actually Gymnasia!)... She really saps all my energy i tell you! :)

So got home from gym, dragged my tired, sweaty ass through the house and straight into the bathroom so i could take a nice cold shower(Trust me, HERE you wont want it any other way!) and really cool off!So there i was and then BOOM! There it was standing in all it's glory moving around like it was some kinda of F***ING Queen! It was moving around so gracefully like it owned the place, it must of seen me because i could have sworn it done like a 180 turn just to walk back to where it was coming from and start walking again, like some kind of broken record, it must also know that i am absolutely terrified of it because it slowed it's already slow-motion walking pace to almost a standstill!

Yes, the thing i am talking about here is that spider with the freakishly long legs and small ass body, the Daddy long legs, that was sauntering up and down in my bathtub! Okay, i HATE spiders, i HATE and FEAR them tremendously! No matter what spider it is, it can be the size of a peanut or the size of a bag of peanuts, for me it has the same effect!

I fear spiders so much that if there is a big one in my bedroom, i will sleep in another room or the TV-room! Yes, i won't even try and kill it because if i miss it could jump on me or some shit! Thats a BIG NO NO for me!

Now back to the Daddy long legs effort in my bathtub... Why the hell, is it called a DADDY LONG LEGS!? Why not a MOMMY LONG LEGS!?... If i'm not mistaken the world record for the "longest legs" is held by a native of the female gene pool! SO, why DADDY?

AND the way i saw that thing walking around in my bathtub, it had to be a woman, only a woman would know how to walk the "walk" that way, i'm sure that particular "Daddy" long legs was the "Heidi Klum" of the spider world! Or maybe it's because those spiders have such long legs that they can't help but rub it in when they see other not so well "endowed" spiders in their communities that they ask them, "Who's your Daddy?".. So the other short spiders nicknamed them "Daddy" Long legged spiders!

Well either way if it had to ask me that question, i would reply. "YOUUU..." From a distance because i would be running away! :)

Ciao! please stay tuned!

Life and a pig!!!

After inspecting my tot glass for quite some time, reminiscing on times that had gone by... I went to have my dinner(if you must know, i had toasts.. Yes i have hotdogs for breakfast and toasts for dinner.. :)...And KELLOGS for lunch! So i still get it all... Just not in the morning!(Joking!)

While enjoying my dinner, i done something that gives me total control, makes me feel like i am the man, whatever i say goes and all MUST accept what i do, wether they like it or not!I took the remote and changed the channel!:)... Naturally i changed to the MM(Movie Magic) channel and there was a movie showing called:" Sex and Death 101"... It's a pity it was ending, i would really have liked to see it from the beginning.The narrator, who happened to be the main character(Don't ask me a name.. Because i seriously don't know!) said:"Life is alot like death, it happens to you wether you like it or not.. And as for a reason F**k it!..."

That one line changed my whole outlook about the movie, i suddenly found myself harbouring a deep, deep curiosity and desire to watch the movie, so i will be making a mental note, to watch that movie..

I am contemplating something, if it works out it will certainly answer one of the million questions that race through my mind daily, as i travel somewhat confused through this life and i will be happier than a pig in shit or happier than a sex addict in the red light district! Thats alot of Happiness I think? I wouldn't know because im not a pig and iv'e never literally been in SHIT! or a sex addict and i've never been to the Red Light District! :)

Ciao... Please stay tuned! :)... Ps-Be thankful for what you have and what you don't have might seem slightly less important(Atleast for a little while!)...This is proven to me everytime i open my fridge and see a six pack of Heinekens!(Joking!)..Ps2-(no not the playstation2!).. I am not an alcoholic... im still in training! ;).. Ciao!

The things Mila can do... :)

Greetings good people! I bring forth good tidings(for me anyway!)... i have the great pleasure of saying that i now come home to Mila Kunis on a daily basis! It is so great to come home and see her smiling seductively back at me!...

This blog post would be 100 % accurate if i was:

A) Extremely HIGH

B) Extremely DRUNK

C) Extremely LUCKY

D) ALL OF THE ABOVE

But because none of the above is true(yet...) i can only say the 1st paragraph of my post was complete crap! What i meant when i wrote it was that i found this super hot picture of her and put it as my backround on my desktop... So technically i do come home to a smiling Mila Kunis every night, it's a smile that forces me to come to my pc with a cloth(to wipe away DROOl, i need a KINGSIZE bib now!) :)

Anyways, i was on google, you see google and i have become best of friends, whenever i have a questions or i need to get info or am just looking for some fun i go on google.. A friend once told me that google knows all... I believe it now! "He" really does! So, i had an appointment with my buddy google and i typed in "Mila Kunis" and google kindly found an interview of her from some magazine.. The interviewer(Lucky bastard! JOKING!) asked her, "What would you do if you found a gnome in your closet?" She replied, "Does it talk?"..."Yes ofcourse!" The interviewer replied. She replied by saying that she would be nice to it and be it's buddy..(for afew split seconds, i wished i was a GNOME..(An american GNOME!)...

After reading the interview, i thought for a while about that question... Then i asked my self, "What would I do, if I found a talking gnome in my closet... Firstly i would try get over the shock of finding a talking toy in my closet and no doubt my 1st question would be, "What the F**K are you doing in MY closet!?" Then.. Well i would be super nice to it aswell, feed it give it a place to sleep, be it's best buddy.. Make it my mini slave... Like if i were to say, "Yo mini dude, get me a beer!'... It would have to reply, "Yes sir, how many?"... I would make it fetch my socks, fetch my paper, fetch my shoes, scratch my back, fetch my toothbrush.. I would call it.. O8OO.. TOLL FREE HELP LINE!!!... Nah im just kidding, im not that much of an asshole! But i would make it fetch me beer... But mostly, i would make O8OO get in contact with his "cousin" in America, you know the one in Mila's closet... :). Ciao.. Till next time.. O8OO- At your service! :)

Downhills are never safe...(especially when done on your KNEES!)

Hey there ALL! i tonight take a trip down memory lane, back to a time where when everyone else was learning how to ride bike... I obviously was not around!(Don't ask me where i was because i seriously don't know!)

Yes i confess with not even a pinch of regret that i DO NOT know how to ride a bike! Yes i know it is super wierd that i know how to drive a car but cannot ride a bike... Can you imagine riding a bike drunk!?(For the record- I Can't!)... But im sure it is way more dangerous than driving drunk!(Probably not as expensive though, if you look at the fines nowadays!)

Bikes and I are like Wine and I... We just don't SEE eye to eye! You see the first time we were introduced to eachother was just a disaster which ended with me on the floor...(Just like when I met WINE!)... You know they say "never give up", well i have some words of "wisdom" to add to these words when it comes to learning how to ride a bike, i say "Never give up... Until you have run out of kneecap skin!"...(Sorry for opening my record again, but i have to add here...For the record- I will be willing to give WINE a second chance though!)

Let me tell you about the first time i tried to ride a bike, you see before this fateful day i would happily watch all other kids from outside my window fall on their asses, but this particular day was different, noone was falling!.. Their asses were perfectly perched on the bicycle seats and they were riding around like swans in my front yard so elegantly! I spotted one of my friends and decided to take a walk outside to "swan park"... I asked him if he could teach me how to ride a bike, being the good friend he is, he said "sure!"... So there i was suddenly on his bike... "Don't look down... Only straight... And try keep your balance!" He instructed... The bike must have been"out of breath" from the "foreign" ass that was trying to get comfortable on it because it tossed me right off, sending me to the eagerly awaiting tar road infront...So explosive and intimate was my "affair" with the tar road that instead of leaving my "heart" behind to it, i left pieces of my KNEES to it in "appreciation"!(sorry if i gave you visuals!)

Fighting back tears, i left limping straight back to the safety of my bedroom where there was no TAR in sight! That day i made a decision to NEVER climb onto a bike ever AGAIN! I haven't changed my mind since...

To this day i STILL don't know how to ride a bike, i believe bike riding is only for the talented few(of which i am not one of!) i will drive it's okay! But enjoy your bikes fully, it sure looks like fun!... :)... Ps) Do you think if i sue the minister of Roads and Transport, i will get those pieces of my KNEES back? Hmm... I wonder? :)

Stay tuned... Ciao :)

What about a kitchen sink?

Goodevening ladies and gentlemen(yes, im in FORMAL mode)... I share with you today a little story...

Reginald who worked at a local grocery store as a cashier, arrived at work that day with a slight "spring in his step"(No one knows why... Use your imagination!)... he was determined to deliver top class service with a smile that day and that he did...

After helping afew customers, he was sitting there alone just thinking about bullshit like:"what he would do with a million bucks... how it feels to drive a ferrari... how he is going to reach that zit on his back!".. You know, the usual shit young adolescent boys think about when they have "timeout" time!

So as he sat there staring blankly, in waltzed a lady with the most MASSIVE cleavage he had ever seen! It was the kind of cleavage that would fail dismally at playing "Hide n Seek"... "Could i have a pack of smokes please?" came the raspy voice of a middle aged woman. "Uh..Sure!" Reginald replied, noticing the wrinkles on her face matched the ones on her oversized mid-section..."Twenty three bucks ma'am." Reginald continued..."Sure!" The ageing barbie doll replied, smiling to reveal her mahogany(i know this is a wood... But thats how BROWN they were, 4 REAL!:) stained teeth... As she stuck her aged hand into the crevis of her "collapsing", enormous CLEAVAGE!

First she pulled out a box of tissues(yes KLEENEX!), then a gold watch, then a lipstick(guess what colour.. MAHOGANY!), then mascara, then a wig, then her empty box of nicotine sticks(the cause of the "wood" finish in her oral cavity!)..."Sorry.." she said, smiling before pulling out a 50 buck note, to pay(By the way- the note came out of the crevis escorted by a BAT!)

Reginald gave out a very uneasy and disgusted snigger before grabbing the moist(wonder if there were rainclouds in there somewhere?) note with his finger tips..."Do you perhaps have a kitchen sink in there somewhere?" Reginald asked jokingly, as he saw her looking at the cracked sink behind him... "As a matter of fact..." The old lady replied, smiling once more...

Nice story huh?... :)... Which brings me to my question of the day! Is THIS what they mean when they talk about a TREASURE CHEST!!! :)

Ciao... As always my dear readers... Stay tuned! :)

Manboobs

Good evening cyberspace... Today as i sat having a most craptastic morning(yes, it IS monday!) a strange thought crossed my mind... As i looked around i noticed the works of nature in their purest form, i witnessed gravity at it's best!

yes i am talking about manboobs! Most (if not all!) men acquire a decent sized "rack" after the age of 55...Sad but true...No more can we laugh at the fairer sex, when we see gravity kicking in because the moment you laugh, is the moment gravity comes around to kick you in the ass sending YOUR chest to MIGRATE south!!!

It is quite a phenomenon, why guys get boobs, once their pensions kick in... Makes me think, you know how our folks always tell us to becareful and look after ourselves when we are young, so that when we get older we don't suffer from chronic backache or shit like that?... Well maybe we get manboobs from looking through too many Playboy magazines as young teenagers!?... Like the Pinnochio story where everytime he spoke crap, his nose would grow! Well same effect, what would we say when our moms walked in on us looking through Hugh Hefners' "masterpieces".. She would ask "Whats' that son?"... And you would say "NOTHING mom! Just HOMEWORK!"... So all those lies accumilate and 40 years later...BOOM... Your mom "knows" that those books were NOT part of your curriculum! :)

So manboobs are a result of a combination of "delayed punishment" for "polluting" our eyes at such a delicate age! AND a sign to show our moms' that while she thought she was raising a "boy genius"... We were getting our diploma's for the "Mini-Hef" course! :)

Ciao. Stay tuned. :)