Don't blame me... Blame Hancock!!!

Yes just when i thought i had parted ways with my dear blog, promising to return another day!...BOOM! I'm back and decided to pay my blog a surprise visit... Wether it was a wise choice remains to be seen... Hancock made me do it!

I saw this seriously kick ass movie when it came out and i loved it... So watched it again on DVD today!... Really awesome movie... Will Smith is a legendary actor and Charlize Theron must have definitely fallen off the very top shelf of the Good Lord's bakery, labelled LIMITED EDITION! :)... She is a fine looking lady!

Anyways, back to the movie... Wouldn't it be really cool to be like Hancock... you would be unstoppable, you could fly, get shot, stabbed, hit with a spade, hit with a car, hit with a fridge... Heck You could get hit with a f***ing whale and you wouldn't budge!(Stay away from Chuck Norris though... Why?... have you come across a certain ABORTION called Walker Texas Ranger?... he acts in it! Even Hancock can't top that!) :)

If i could be any superhero, i would be Hancock! The dude is AWESOME! He is invincible and funny... Totally cool! But you know what's the BEST thing about Hancock!?... He does NOT wear his f***ing Underwear OUTSIDE his pants!... This is a FASHION trend that quite sadly has FAILED to ESCAPE all other Superheroes! Why do they like wearing their underwear outside their pants! W.T.F.?... Why do their I.Q's drop to BELOW freezing point when they get CAPED!?... Technically they are going COMMANDO you know? REALLY! It's true, if they have their underwear OUTSIDE their pants... What's in them? AHA... Commando! :)... What would you call that style? Hmm? I wonder?

I ate a bowl of ice-cream and i am feeling kinda TRITE right now?... Sorry? :)

It would actually SUCK to be Hancock! Why? Well, that movie was all fun and games, till he said one-line... That changed the whole movie, it made Hancock... HUMAN! It was after he did time... he saved those people from the bank robbers and became a truly loved hero... So he goes with the humans to the restaurant to celebrate and they telling their life stories and it was his turn... he couldn't remember... Then he said(I quote): "...What kind of a bastard could i have been that noone claimed me at the hospital..." That line changed the whole outlook on Hancock, it made him vunerable... it made him Human... Yip, Hancock lost his balls for a second there...(JOKING!)

If i spoiled the movie for some of you... Sincere apologies! but a movie as good as Hancock cannot be spoiled! Back to my jagged point... Even a hard ass man like Hancock still has a heart! WOW!So anyway to cut this long SAPPY ass story short... Hancock found his Soulmate and Had to Sacrifice his happiness with her in order to save the world!... So even with all that POWER and the ability to do whatever he likes, whenever he likes without having to suffer grave consequences... He still can't escape being lonely because he knows being with the one that was made for him will mean the end of the world! Sucks yeah? :)

I rate they should make a HANCOCK II... Where he becomes like a total party animal of note... Still saves the world(come on he still has to do his job!) but has a JOL doing it... Eventually finding the one he was meant for, because deep down he is human you know! Cupid won't ever run out of arrows and even though he can't f***ing read, he will eventually shoot you with the arrow that has the right name on it... Just takes time... try your best to enjoy the ride and the awesome people that share it with you... It's all you can and all you should do!... if you fall, stand the f**k up!... Why wait on the floor? It gets cold! :)

PS: Tomorrow is Monday! F**K!

PS2: Keep ice-cream consumption to a minimum! ;)

PS3: I think that underwear ontop look should be called doing a "Evil Kanievil"(you know the world famous stuntman! R.I.P)... No protection UNDERNEATH... But helmet OVER the head! ;)..(JOKING!)

Stay tuned! Ciao! :)

Honey...

Goodevening good people... I hope you are all having a whoop ass weekend! The other day i came home and brought my "work" home again!!! I got to work with an index finger and left work with a pumpkin! Why? Well i got REARED by a bee! Now i didn't know that bees were gay!?!

They are LITERALLY dying to GIVE their asses away! You don't believe me! Then why is it when they REAR you they DIE?!

I was there and i felt something in my hair(i've heard that apparently smelling hair is a sure sign of love...) i went to remove whatever was in my hair and BAM! I felt the stinging "love" that the bee felt for me!

How such a twisted creature can create something as sweet as honey still boggles the mind!

But thankfully my "obese" finger has gone on a STRICT diet and i am proud to report that it has lost afew POUNDS!... So the "quarter pumpkin" has almost disappeared and my FIT finger is almost back!

Stay tuned! Ciao! :)

PS- FACT(1): The bees we see flying around are called worker bees and their mission in life is to search for food to bring back to the hive! Once a year the queen bee leaves the hive, at this point all the Drone(lazy ass male, who always chill at home) bees also leave the hive and chase her(I think we should from now on call them STALKER bees!) to see if they can get LAID! The "lucky" ass who gets it right dies of hunger because they refuse to feed him when they get back to the hive!

FACT(2): Don't take my blogpost to heart, it is purely for entertainment! :)

FACT(3): Male bees(Drone) are set for life because they don't have to do shit and the ladies do all the work! I suppose that feels like heaven for them... Till they get laid... Then they SCREWED!!! :)

W.T.F. is "Kiss of Deaf" right?

For those of you who saw my status on FB today and sat there completely conf***ulated, thinking what i meant, FEAR NOT! For help is at hand!

You see, the other day i was paging through the newspaper and this somewhat sad but very amusing story caught my attention(not quite aswell as an FHM can! But close enough!)... the story was labelled "Kiss of Deaf" and trust me, i sat there just as conf***ulated as all of you who read my Status today on FB were! So my curiosity got the better of me and i read the story, turns out, there were a couple of LoveBirds sitting somewhere(can't remember where!) and they started to make out and after their brief intimate encounter, the lady went DEAF in one ear! After an examination by a doctor, it turns out that due to the snogging, her eardrum shifted out of place, causing temporary deafness which would be restored in a couple of days, once the eardrum moved back into place!(Yip, truth REALLY is STRANGER than fiction!)

Now, i do feel sorry for the poor woman who must have really taken the advice "LISTEN to your HEART" a little too SERIOUSLY! :)

Atleast no permanent damage was done and soon she will be able to laugh about it! But that story seriously made me laugh!

That dude is ONE HELL of a Tongue Hockey Player! F**K! He kissed her to DEAF!

If i was him, i would write an instruction manual and call it: "WHAT TO DO WHEN SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOUR MUSIC!"...Catch line: "she will be ALL EARS just for you"!!! :)

Stay tuned- Ciao! :)

Random Thoughts...

Goodevening, i sit here realising that tomorrow is going to be Monday and i am still trying to figure out a way to curb the "BLUES" that come standard with any typical Monday...Any suggestions are WELCOME!!! :)

So whats new? I hear my blog ask me, well i went to a birthday party with a good friend and ran into two people that i had not seen in like 13 years! WOW! is the right word yes! The last time we all saw eachother we were at that stage of human development where the word "never" is tossed around and used frequently like it's somekind of prostitute(except we weren't PAYING!:)... You know what i mean, that stage where the phrases: "We will NEVER drink...", "We will NEVER smoke...", "We will NEVER..." are constantly pronounced!? OH! How LITTLE we knew back then!!! :)

Anyways, it was great to see them again! :)

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This poor, homeless man walked into my work place the other day and asked me for some money, i gave it to him for two reasons: 1) He was smelling worse than a SWEATY nut sack!(Not that i have caught a "whiff" of that particular...uh... Situation! But i can imagine it as being one of the worst smells POSSIBLE!) so i just needed him to literally CLEAR the AIR around me!... 2)(Jokes aside now!) I felt very sorry for the poor guy and honestly if i was super rich like some of our favourite stars, i would really try help him and the many poor souls who are unfortunetly stuck in poverty worldwide... it really is an unfortunate and sad reality to see people living and suffering like that!

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I was suppose to write a long ass blog post, but i am so damn tired, i'm going to have to cut this short and go catch some much needed ZZZ'z! So goodnight all!

Stay tuned-Ciao! :)

The world we live in NOW! :)

Yes, we live in a strange world today, where sexual issues are as trivial and freely spoken of as dog crap in your neighbours' lawn and listening to him mutter about it as he cleans it up.

You don't believe me? Well just take a walk down the street, to the park even to the mall. the sexual innuendos are everywhere to be seen. Switch on the TV and even a simple advertisment has to contain some form of sexuality in it... Example: Remember that SilverSands Poker advert, where that "blunt chisel" phones in for some telephonic "love" and gets all hot and bothered with the "sexy" voice at the other end... When it is actually a 150 year old bimbo doing her "thing"! Could he not notice the DUST coming through the phone from her end! DAMN!

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The other day while walking through the mall, i noticed one of those infamous "signs" that cost me my first job(i will leave that for another time!), standing proudly at the entrance of all the restaurants... The sign read: SLIPPERY WHEN WET... Isn't that kind of RETARDED, have you ever seen someone slip on something DRY!? i don't think so! Why do they insist on adding the words: WHEN WET... We know this! Why add it!?... I'm all for the signs, they warn people of possible Health hazards, but i disagree with the sign insulting the readers' intelligence! All the sign had to say was: CAUTION:SLIPPERY!

CAUTION:SLIPPERY WHEN WET- YOU DON'T SAY!! REALLY!! WOW!! Someone give the guy who wrote this sign a pat on the back of the neck and give him a GOLDSTAR on his forehead!Next thing you know, they will make a sign that reads: STICK IT IN HERE and sew it to the bottom of every shoe sold in the WORLD!YOU DON'T SAY! REALLY!! IN THERE!?! :)

Stay tuned my dear, good people! Ciao! :)

Still knackered... VERY VULGAR!!! :)

My goodness, what a LONG f***ing day it was today, okay the fact that i went to bed at 12:30am obviously didn't help the whole situation. Well, i have a huge batch of stars in my pocket that if i don't use, will expire... So better put them to good use, plus i am feeling super VULGAR today, so join me as i try and break a record!... :)

Back to this f***ing CRAPTASTIC day i had, it's not the first time i've had these super long days, it's like this, you know when you go to bed feeling f***ing relieved and happy that you going to finally get some shut eye and catch some much needed f***ing ZZZ's... Then just as your dreams begin you suddenly "back at work"... Thats f***ing right, you know you have had a SUPER long day when you get home from work, bath and go sleep only to REALISE that you busy pulling a "double shift" with your F***ING eyes CLOSED!!! Now you know you need a new F***ING career when you can do your job with your eyes closed!

One of the phrases(apart from the OCCASIONAL f***ing cuss word) i use at work the most is:"Would you like a plastic?"... i sell them, so i have to ask. Anyways, i use that phrase so much that when i got home today i looked at my mom's fruit bowl and instead of greeting her i said "Would you like a plastic for that?".... That shows you just how long this F***ing day was and it also proves just how many times i repeat that phrase in one day, it's like a broken record stuck in my head!

I've run out of stars, so no more cussing and i just realised no matter how fucking(SORRY!) hard you try.. NOONE can say the word FUCK as many times as Fred Durst... 46 in more or less three minutes, wow that is ONE hell of a RECORD!

PS: That cat's name is Wednesday-14 January 2009! :)

PSS: I said FUCK 12 times!(including that one!)

Ciao-Stay Tuned! :)

Nostalgic rant!!!

Today i had a "conversation" with a friend from primary school on FaceBook, which got me really thinking about my primary school days...

My Primary School days were what i commonly refer to as a COMPLETE "Abortion" of note! Yeah, i will never forget my primary school days just because of how craptastic they were at times...

I remember my first day of school... it went something like this... I cried as i kissed my mom goodbye because i wasn't sure if she was going to come back for me... Then i walked in EVER so slowly through the tall brown-bricked buildings, there were just kids everywhere, staring at me as if i someone had drawn a "Dick on my face!"(Did i mention i love MOVIES?:)... Can't blame them, when i think back though, if i was there and i had seen my then self walk in there, i would STARE at myself too!

Anyway, so there i walked, looking SUPER lost... Trying to hold back the remainder of the tears deep inside my tear ducts, while the "renegade" tears made their way down my cheeks. My brown hair MESSY as ever!(Old habits DIE HARD!) and probably my most "turn heads" attribute were my TEETH! When i was in grade 1, my teeth looked like they had gone through ten cigarette making factories one after the other... You see, i was an asmathic kid, so i took some strong ass medicine, which done "wonders" for my baby teeth!... It's okay though, the "shades" of brown matched my HAIR COLOUR! Thank goodness for TWO sets of TEETH! :)

I was too afraid to ask anyone, where Sister B's class was, so i wandered around like a miniture lost "fart" for like ten-twenty minutes! I then heard a bell, suddenly the kids were gone... it was just me and the grass... i began to take deep breaths... My vision blurred... My chin shook... i cried! "Hey you over there!" Came the loud, intimidating voice of Sister B. "Come here." She ordered, immediately showing me what a friendly nun she was! :)...(I was in a Convent School)...

Anyways after a long ass discussion about where i was suppose to be, i was finally on my way to her class... Arriving there, she coerced this kid into being my friend for the week... So there i was, stuck in school, missing my mom, surrounded by kids and semi-demented nuns and one 'friend" who was just there to save his own skin.

At break time, i needed to take a SERIOUS SLASH... Was to shy to ask for the bog, so i went walking around, doing the typical "twist and shake" dance that makes that urge to SLASH go away for a while... Then there they were, just waiting in anticipation to be showered with "praise"... Sister Michaels' beautiful flowers... I stopped doing my "twist and shake" number and just let it all out... Little did i know that, Sister Michaels' "right hand ASSHOLES" were watching me!(Prefects)... So i got into quite a bit of SHIT, already on my first day! Come to think of it, i wonder if those flowers weathered that "Storm"? :)

But those really were the "good ol' days"... Except that Heineken didn't come in miniture form!...DAMN! :)

Stay tuned- Ciao! :)

Media

Tin tin is GAY!!!! Haha... Yeah, i bought the newspaper the other day and to my amazement, this story helped fill up the newspaper.

Maybe I am the CRAZY one here, but isn't Tin tin a CARTOON character? Or am i the only one that notices that Tin tin isn't REAL!!! How can someone that doesn't exist be GAY! The media have obviously ran out of gay humans?(Open more closets, that should work...)

I suppose it would be quite "shocking"... If you were a die-hard Tin tin fan? It's like me, i REALLY would be quite shocked if i woke up on one fine morning and found out that Wolverine from the X-men had shacked up with Spider-man and they got married in some exclusive location in Hawai... "SHOCKING" indeed!.. Infact bordering on "DISTURBING"!

Come to think of it, what if this phenomenon spreads faster than a flu and pretty soon all our Superheroes are QUEER!?!... Suddenly the Incredible Hulk turns PINK and not GREEN and only morphes when he throws a tantrum! Then you come home one day only to find your five year old kid having a tea party with all his action figures!

Tin tin does look a tad CONFUSED here doesn't he? :)...DOG:"Look at that babe?"...TIN TIN:"Where? Where?"..(Looking towards the mens toilets!)

Stay tuned(Just joking people! I am Not a Hater!)...Ciao! :)

Back with a POP... Not yet a BANG!

My blog threatened to sue me for neglect, so i am here spending some quality time with my blog. The year is officially seven days old, it has been okay so far...

I watched "My Best Friends Girl" AGAIN! What posesses me to watch the same movie twice? I don't know myself, but if a movie makes me laugh until i almost slash in my pants, i reckon it's worth a second look... Tank Turner(Dane Cook) is an absolute king ASSHOLE! It's what he does, like he says! But even a smooth as baby ass LEGEND like him just can't seem to evade that flying bastard, CUPID! Even Tank Turner is not imune to those poisonous arrows! Yeah, watch the movie... you will see what i am talking about!

Tank Turner was there doing his job, enjoying it, completely in control... Till ONE day! BAM... Alexa's(Kate Hudson) face comes through the sunlight and just casts a "shadow" over his perfectly orchestrated life... The thing is even though he realises that he feels suddenly different and that he has a sudden urge to NOT do his job this time, that isn't worrying him, what is worrying him is the fact that he is ENJOYING this sudden change of heart... What he is not realising is that he better pull that ARROW out his ASS quickly... Which ofcourse he doesn't do because it is too LATE! It has already affected his HEART! And CUPIDS' BACK IN THE GAME!

Fortunately, alls well that ends well... For Tank Turner anyway! Watch the movie... You might only regret it SLIGHTLY! :)

I recently dusted off my lazy ass and made my way back to the gym, it was a SLIGHTLY pleasant experience... Gym is good for you! So are Cauliflours!... Doesn't mean you have to ENJOY it, for it to work right!? :)... So yeah, i went back to Virgin Active...(For the record: i think Richard Branson, as brilliant as he is, is a twisted man! How can you use the words "Virgin" and "Active" in the same context!) :)...

I cancelled my gym session for today though(okay, okay and yesterday!.. So SUE me... Actually DON'T!) on an account of FATIGUE... Don't look at me like that! Sportsmen do it ALL THE TIME! Incase you didn't know, GYM is a SPORT TOO! :)

Something else im going to try, from tomorrow though(it's too late to start today! :)... Is give BEER a holiday! Yeah im going to stop drinking beer, for a little while... Can i do it! Well... Have you ever seen a VEGETARIAN LION!?!... Thought so? But i will try! I'm sure LIONS TRY TOO!? Right!? :)...

Out with the beer... In with the Chivas! What!? I said i was going to give BEER a holiday... Not DRINKING!... Oh and let me rephrase... I am going to TRYYY and give BEER a holiday! :)

Stay tuned... Please! Ciao! :)... Ps- couldn't upload pictures dont know why!? :(

NEW YEAR - NEW CHAPTER...

Yesterday i witnessed 2008 give his last breath, it was a bitter - sweet moment that sent me on a ride through the times that marked the year. It was a sweet moment because that last "breath" signalled the end of an absolutely toilet year!

But out with the old and in with the new... I want to cast a shadow over the toilet year that has just passed(just like it cast a shadow over me).... Hopefully 2009 brings with her bags full of happiness and goodtimes and hopefully a good heart, which makes her willing to share with us mere mortals!

To all of you awesome fellow beings of mine who take the time to come and lift the lid of my "toilet"(blog), i wish you all an absolutely fantastic 2009 filled with happiness and joy! :)

I plan to break beer or Chivas or Whatever drinking records this year, coz my liver is no longer the picky bi*ch she once was!(JOKING!.. About the "picky" part!) :)... I hope to take at least 20 000 photo's with all my awesome friends and family!... I plan to watch what i eat this year... i.e: lay off the CAKE for a while! It gave me MAJOR INDIGESTION last year!!! But im no HATER!... Not giving up on dessert, just going on a slight health kick... Looking after my heart! :)

I also hope 2009 doesn't tone down her alcoholic tendencies and brings her 750ml of SUCCESS and "accidently" spills every single drop of it all over me, so that i can lap up every drop and walk funny with joy at knowing that what im trying wasn't all in vain!

So i end off my blog post today on a SOFT note... Thank you all you wonderful friends and family of mine(i know i've said it before!)...But i really appreciate each and every one of you... May the goodtimes ROLL! LONG LIVE POSITIVE RAGE!!! :)