Men and Tennis

Jane arrived home and much to her surprise... Jim was sitting on the couch drinking HERBAL TEA and eating Coconut cookies... Watching TENNIS!.. "Look at that backhand.. Whoo!" he shouted!.."Hi honey!" he said as he saw her standing frozen.

"Honey!?" she thought to herself, she rushed to his side and touched his head to see if he had a fever. Normally, she would arrive home on the weekends and Jim would be sitting there on the couch drinking insurmountable amounts of beer, watching rugby and normally, when he would see her, he would say, "Gimme the remote, QUICKLY!"

"Are you okay?" Jane asked.. "I'm great, why?" He replied, kissing her tenderly. "Well you don't normally watch TENNIS!" she said "Plus the last time you called me HONEY was on our wedding day 15 years ago!" she continued... "What a BACKHAND!" he exclaimed...

When she turned around, she noticed he was watching Women's Tennis! Then knew at once that her husband was definitely admiring the BACK... But wasn't quite sure if it was of her HAND!.. Slightly relieved that her husband seemed normal and as she walked back to the kitchen, she noticed an empty case of beer bottles behind the couch!.."Aah... Jim, Jim, Jim!... You okay!" she said, smiling!

Songs... 17/12/2008

Yes i sit here poignantly writing this semi-morbid blog post, why?... Well i looked at the calender today and felt a slight wave of sadness... You see it was on this very day two months ago that i crash-landed into Singlesville!





It was on this very day two months ago that i ironically drove into singlesville and the song playing on my radio was "Play On" by The Parlotones..." Goodbye Sadness leave me alone... Hello Murphy, have you come to pass your law?..."



You know a scar really is a constant reminder of the pain you once had, but if you look at it, it is also a reminder of something that made you a stronger person, because if it's a scar, then the wound has healed... So next time you look at your "scars"... Don't think about the pain, think about how you got over it and take it as a reminder of what made you a stronger person!


So yeah, that's "whats eating Gilbert Grape" today, so to speak... Coz im still busy healing my "wounds" and picking up my "pieces"... If you find any, give 'em to me! PLEASE :)





Thank you to all my friends and family... You guyz Rock! BIGTIME! :)





"...Im not crazy, im just alittle unwell..." (Matchbox20)





Yours semi-morbidly just for today... :)





Stay tuned!

Daddy long legs and I

Got home from a hot and heavy session with Gym(Her name is actually Gymnasia!)... She really saps all my energy i tell you! :)

So got home from gym, dragged my tired, sweaty ass through the house and straight into the bathroom so i could take a nice cold shower(Trust me, HERE you wont want it any other way!) and really cool off!So there i was and then BOOM! There it was standing in all it's glory moving around like it was some kinda of F***ING Queen! It was moving around so gracefully like it owned the place, it must of seen me because i could have sworn it done like a 180 turn just to walk back to where it was coming from and start walking again, like some kind of broken record, it must also know that i am absolutely terrified of it because it slowed it's already slow-motion walking pace to almost a standstill!

Yes, the thing i am talking about here is that spider with the freakishly long legs and small ass body, the Daddy long legs, that was sauntering up and down in my bathtub! Okay, i HATE spiders, i HATE and FEAR them tremendously! No matter what spider it is, it can be the size of a peanut or the size of a bag of peanuts, for me it has the same effect!

I fear spiders so much that if there is a big one in my bedroom, i will sleep in another room or the TV-room! Yes, i won't even try and kill it because if i miss it could jump on me or some shit! Thats a BIG NO NO for me!

Now back to the Daddy long legs effort in my bathtub... Why the hell, is it called a DADDY LONG LEGS!? Why not a MOMMY LONG LEGS!?... If i'm not mistaken the world record for the "longest legs" is held by a native of the female gene pool! SO, why DADDY?

AND the way i saw that thing walking around in my bathtub, it had to be a woman, only a woman would know how to walk the "walk" that way, i'm sure that particular "Daddy" long legs was the "Heidi Klum" of the spider world! Or maybe it's because those spiders have such long legs that they can't help but rub it in when they see other not so well "endowed" spiders in their communities that they ask them, "Who's your Daddy?".. So the other short spiders nicknamed them "Daddy" Long legged spiders!

Well either way if it had to ask me that question, i would reply. "YOUUU..." From a distance because i would be running away! :)

Ciao! please stay tuned!

Life and a pig!!!

After inspecting my tot glass for quite some time, reminiscing on times that had gone by... I went to have my dinner(if you must know, i had toasts.. Yes i have hotdogs for breakfast and toasts for dinner.. :)...And KELLOGS for lunch! So i still get it all... Just not in the morning!(Joking!)

While enjoying my dinner, i done something that gives me total control, makes me feel like i am the man, whatever i say goes and all MUST accept what i do, wether they like it or not!I took the remote and changed the channel!:)... Naturally i changed to the MM(Movie Magic) channel and there was a movie showing called:" Sex and Death 101"... It's a pity it was ending, i would really have liked to see it from the beginning.The narrator, who happened to be the main character(Don't ask me a name.. Because i seriously don't know!) said:"Life is alot like death, it happens to you wether you like it or not.. And as for a reason F**k it!..."

That one line changed my whole outlook about the movie, i suddenly found myself harbouring a deep, deep curiosity and desire to watch the movie, so i will be making a mental note, to watch that movie..

I am contemplating something, if it works out it will certainly answer one of the million questions that race through my mind daily, as i travel somewhat confused through this life and i will be happier than a pig in shit or happier than a sex addict in the red light district! Thats alot of Happiness I think? I wouldn't know because im not a pig and iv'e never literally been in SHIT! or a sex addict and i've never been to the Red Light District! :)

Ciao... Please stay tuned! :)... Ps-Be thankful for what you have and what you don't have might seem slightly less important(Atleast for a little while!)...This is proven to me everytime i open my fridge and see a six pack of Heinekens!(Joking!)..Ps2-(no not the playstation2!).. I am not an alcoholic... im still in training! ;).. Ciao!

The things Mila can do... :)

Greetings good people! I bring forth good tidings(for me anyway!)... i have the great pleasure of saying that i now come home to Mila Kunis on a daily basis! It is so great to come home and see her smiling seductively back at me!...

This blog post would be 100 % accurate if i was:

A) Extremely HIGH

B) Extremely DRUNK

C) Extremely LUCKY

D) ALL OF THE ABOVE

But because none of the above is true(yet...) i can only say the 1st paragraph of my post was complete crap! What i meant when i wrote it was that i found this super hot picture of her and put it as my backround on my desktop... So technically i do come home to a smiling Mila Kunis every night, it's a smile that forces me to come to my pc with a cloth(to wipe away DROOl, i need a KINGSIZE bib now!) :)

Anyways, i was on google, you see google and i have become best of friends, whenever i have a questions or i need to get info or am just looking for some fun i go on google.. A friend once told me that google knows all... I believe it now! "He" really does! So, i had an appointment with my buddy google and i typed in "Mila Kunis" and google kindly found an interview of her from some magazine.. The interviewer(Lucky bastard! JOKING!) asked her, "What would you do if you found a gnome in your closet?" She replied, "Does it talk?"..."Yes ofcourse!" The interviewer replied. She replied by saying that she would be nice to it and be it's buddy..(for afew split seconds, i wished i was a GNOME..(An american GNOME!)...

After reading the interview, i thought for a while about that question... Then i asked my self, "What would I do, if I found a talking gnome in my closet... Firstly i would try get over the shock of finding a talking toy in my closet and no doubt my 1st question would be, "What the F**K are you doing in MY closet!?" Then.. Well i would be super nice to it aswell, feed it give it a place to sleep, be it's best buddy.. Make it my mini slave... Like if i were to say, "Yo mini dude, get me a beer!'... It would have to reply, "Yes sir, how many?"... I would make it fetch my socks, fetch my paper, fetch my shoes, scratch my back, fetch my toothbrush.. I would call it.. O8OO.. TOLL FREE HELP LINE!!!... Nah im just kidding, im not that much of an asshole! But i would make it fetch me beer... But mostly, i would make O8OO get in contact with his "cousin" in America, you know the one in Mila's closet... :). Ciao.. Till next time.. O8OO- At your service! :)

Downhills are never safe...(especially when done on your KNEES!)

Hey there ALL! i tonight take a trip down memory lane, back to a time where when everyone else was learning how to ride bike... I obviously was not around!(Don't ask me where i was because i seriously don't know!)

Yes i confess with not even a pinch of regret that i DO NOT know how to ride a bike! Yes i know it is super wierd that i know how to drive a car but cannot ride a bike... Can you imagine riding a bike drunk!?(For the record- I Can't!)... But im sure it is way more dangerous than driving drunk!(Probably not as expensive though, if you look at the fines nowadays!)

Bikes and I are like Wine and I... We just don't SEE eye to eye! You see the first time we were introduced to eachother was just a disaster which ended with me on the floor...(Just like when I met WINE!)... You know they say "never give up", well i have some words of "wisdom" to add to these words when it comes to learning how to ride a bike, i say "Never give up... Until you have run out of kneecap skin!"...(Sorry for opening my record again, but i have to add here...For the record- I will be willing to give WINE a second chance though!)

Let me tell you about the first time i tried to ride a bike, you see before this fateful day i would happily watch all other kids from outside my window fall on their asses, but this particular day was different, noone was falling!.. Their asses were perfectly perched on the bicycle seats and they were riding around like swans in my front yard so elegantly! I spotted one of my friends and decided to take a walk outside to "swan park"... I asked him if he could teach me how to ride a bike, being the good friend he is, he said "sure!"... So there i was suddenly on his bike... "Don't look down... Only straight... And try keep your balance!" He instructed... The bike must have been"out of breath" from the "foreign" ass that was trying to get comfortable on it because it tossed me right off, sending me to the eagerly awaiting tar road infront...So explosive and intimate was my "affair" with the tar road that instead of leaving my "heart" behind to it, i left pieces of my KNEES to it in "appreciation"!(sorry if i gave you visuals!)

Fighting back tears, i left limping straight back to the safety of my bedroom where there was no TAR in sight! That day i made a decision to NEVER climb onto a bike ever AGAIN! I haven't changed my mind since...

To this day i STILL don't know how to ride a bike, i believe bike riding is only for the talented few(of which i am not one of!) i will drive it's okay! But enjoy your bikes fully, it sure looks like fun!... :)... Ps) Do you think if i sue the minister of Roads and Transport, i will get those pieces of my KNEES back? Hmm... I wonder? :)

Stay tuned... Ciao :)

What about a kitchen sink?

Goodevening ladies and gentlemen(yes, im in FORMAL mode)... I share with you today a little story...

Reginald who worked at a local grocery store as a cashier, arrived at work that day with a slight "spring in his step"(No one knows why... Use your imagination!)... he was determined to deliver top class service with a smile that day and that he did...

After helping afew customers, he was sitting there alone just thinking about bullshit like:"what he would do with a million bucks... how it feels to drive a ferrari... how he is going to reach that zit on his back!".. You know, the usual shit young adolescent boys think about when they have "timeout" time!

So as he sat there staring blankly, in waltzed a lady with the most MASSIVE cleavage he had ever seen! It was the kind of cleavage that would fail dismally at playing "Hide n Seek"... "Could i have a pack of smokes please?" came the raspy voice of a middle aged woman. "Uh..Sure!" Reginald replied, noticing the wrinkles on her face matched the ones on her oversized mid-section..."Twenty three bucks ma'am." Reginald continued..."Sure!" The ageing barbie doll replied, smiling to reveal her mahogany(i know this is a wood... But thats how BROWN they were, 4 REAL!:) stained teeth... As she stuck her aged hand into the crevis of her "collapsing", enormous CLEAVAGE!

First she pulled out a box of tissues(yes KLEENEX!), then a gold watch, then a lipstick(guess what colour.. MAHOGANY!), then mascara, then a wig, then her empty box of nicotine sticks(the cause of the "wood" finish in her oral cavity!)..."Sorry.." she said, smiling before pulling out a 50 buck note, to pay(By the way- the note came out of the crevis escorted by a BAT!)

Reginald gave out a very uneasy and disgusted snigger before grabbing the moist(wonder if there were rainclouds in there somewhere?) note with his finger tips..."Do you perhaps have a kitchen sink in there somewhere?" Reginald asked jokingly, as he saw her looking at the cracked sink behind him... "As a matter of fact..." The old lady replied, smiling once more...

Nice story huh?... :)... Which brings me to my question of the day! Is THIS what they mean when they talk about a TREASURE CHEST!!! :)

Ciao... As always my dear readers... Stay tuned! :)

Manboobs

Good evening cyberspace... Today as i sat having a most craptastic morning(yes, it IS monday!) a strange thought crossed my mind... As i looked around i noticed the works of nature in their purest form, i witnessed gravity at it's best!

yes i am talking about manboobs! Most (if not all!) men acquire a decent sized "rack" after the age of 55...Sad but true...No more can we laugh at the fairer sex, when we see gravity kicking in because the moment you laugh, is the moment gravity comes around to kick you in the ass sending YOUR chest to MIGRATE south!!!

It is quite a phenomenon, why guys get boobs, once their pensions kick in... Makes me think, you know how our folks always tell us to becareful and look after ourselves when we are young, so that when we get older we don't suffer from chronic backache or shit like that?... Well maybe we get manboobs from looking through too many Playboy magazines as young teenagers!?... Like the Pinnochio story where everytime he spoke crap, his nose would grow! Well same effect, what would we say when our moms walked in on us looking through Hugh Hefners' "masterpieces".. She would ask "Whats' that son?"... And you would say "NOTHING mom! Just HOMEWORK!"... So all those lies accumilate and 40 years later...BOOM... Your mom "knows" that those books were NOT part of your curriculum! :)

So manboobs are a result of a combination of "delayed punishment" for "polluting" our eyes at such a delicate age! AND a sign to show our moms' that while she thought she was raising a "boy genius"... We were getting our diploma's for the "Mini-Hef" course! :)

Ciao. Stay tuned. :)

Saturday night...(no, not LIVE!) :)

Goodmorning cyber planet! Last night i went to the movies by myself(yes, yes wierd, but it's something i just needed to do!)

I watched a movie called "My Best Friends Girl" with Jason Biggs(Pie Guy..He will always be the Pie Guy!)... And "Tank"(A.K.A-Dane Cook).. Mr. Cook is a LEGEND!.. I love this guy. You see i was feeling kind of "down in the dumps" yesterday, yeah this happens now and again, especially lately! Anyways, so my mission was to swallow a clown to cheer me up! However, i couldn't find one quite funny enough to cure my "downer".. So i shipped my ass off to Ster Kinekor and Dane Cook was there to rescue me! :)

It was an AWESOME movie, that had me on the verge of leaving a stain on the seat! It was THAT funny! Now "Tank"(Dane Cook) plays a professional ASSHOLE! He gets paid(by the ex-boyfriends) to date girls who have left their boyfriends and make the girls dates a living HELL so they can see what they are giving up on and run back!

I wont go into details, watch the movie for yourselves, you won't regret it!

After the very entertaining movie, i went to see a "good friend" by the name of Jack Daniels... I know i can always count on him to part his "wisdom" with me! :)

Today im off to a wedding, yes, yes, i am going to watch a mate of mine take a short walk off a LONG cliff!..(joking!).. Wish him luck and a blessed life with his loved one!.. I will hopefully have a good day, I know Jack and the boys will be there for me... if i need them! ;)... Stay tuned! Ciao!.. Sealed with a tot of Jack Daniels! :)

Annoyances

Yes, this blog post is about those little things that really get under your skin and rot you from within until you explode like a volcano of rage!

Funny enough im a pretty chilled out dude, don't really get annoyed that easily... Until i play a video game that i can't seem to pass, then the beast in me really comes out(and trust me, my beast DOES NOT say nice things!)... Another thing that annoys the crap out of me is when i continuously drop something, or if i hit my toes somewhere, it sends me into a vulgar frenzy of pain!

This i think annoys everyone(it has to, cause if it doesn't you are uh...dead!)... FLIES, i hate flies, the other day i was at work, getting on with my stuff, when suddenly i stood at attention as i heard it...ZZZMMM!!!... Right past my ear, i looked around like some kind of paranoid piece of CRAP that was under siege... i didn't spot it(obviously, just incase you didn't notice, it is very small and travels at speeds faster then i drink beer! Trust me, thats pretty quick!)... Took a deep breath and continued my work...ZZZMMM!!!... "#@!?" i shouted(Want to know what i said? Use your imagination!)... This time i started flapping my arms around like a demented bird, trying to get rid of the stupid fly(who must have been watching me from a distance, very amused!)... Breathing heavily after my session of flapping, i calmed down and continued my work reluctantly....ZZZMMM!!!... The third time was probably the worst because it obliged me into saying a speech of swearwords that were longer than our national anthem and said with ALOT more FEELING, trust me... PLUS i got alot LOUDER!!! Infact i was so LOUD, i could've sworn(pun FULLY intended:) i saw someone with a straight jacket ready to package me up and send me to an asylum... But this time i smiled, i saw it, the stupid fly that was causing me to go off the edge was standing there perched on the counter infront of me, i could've sworn again(sorry, but im enjoying this PUN!) that it was doing almost like a victory dance... I slowly and silently grabbed the bottle of pesticide i had next to me...PSHHTT... One spray was all it took... The fly was gone, leaving me standing triumphantly in my well deserved silence!... I had defeated my nemesis!...ZZZMMM x 4!... Yeah looks like my fallen nemesis had some friends who rate they had a score to settle with me!... But thats what is so annoying about flies, they filthy, they always seem to buzz around your EARS and you can't get rid of them!... And yet...

I have found the one thing that is more annoying than a fly... It is something that doesn't buzz, very far from filthy and doesn't come in groups... But it is something i must live with on a daily basis and trust me again(am i asking you for too much trust now? SORRY!... Trust me, i mean that!:)... The thing i must live with daily that is more annoying than a fly is....(DRUMROLL!!!)... My slow computer!!! Ciao... Stay tuned! :)

Singlesville

After blowing off the dust and shaking off the rust... I finally found the "balls"(excuse the term) to get back and do some writing.

I have gone through a huge change in my life, yes i was merrily (sometimes) moving along, when BAM! I suddenly found myself deported to a place that i hadn't been to in about six years, yes place in question being Singlesville, where all Singletons move along living their lives! I am now a Singleton aswell, it feels kind of wierd, not quite use to this newly acquired state of being yet...

It's like i fell through a roof into a full on beach party, but i'm wearing a tuxedo! Yes it certainly feels akward being here again, but with time i suppose i will lose my "tuxedo" and get use to this beach party i fell into and who knows? Maybe one day i can run for mayor of Singlesville! :)

While at the "party" i went outside to get some air and found myself at a huge ass crossroads, so there i sat staring at the different arrows and what each one read, soon i will decide which road to take, but for now im just happy to sit there and reflect for a while, reflect and write...

One day i will be ready to begin my new journey, but only when im ready... In the meantime its good to know i got one of the best psychiatrists in the world in my corner... Mr. Jack Daniels and Associates :)... Always ready to lend a helping tot(i mean hand) when necessary... Plus all the wonderful people in the "beach party"... My friends and family... Thanks! Stay tuned for more discoveries as i explore this newly renovated town i call Singlesville...Where i now live and hope to find success in someday! :)

NEVER!

I've had a terrible week and it hasn't gotten any better, but there was one awesome highlight to it...

I saw The Parlotones LIVE!.. It was awesome! these guys are really talented and i love their music, i've always wanted to be a singer...BUT... After hearing myself sing in the carwash recently(read my facebook note...) and evidently enough i was singing along to one of The parlotones song, i realised that it wasn't in God's plans for me to make me a singer! :)...

So conclusion: The parlotones KICK ASS(oh, and i will never be a singer:)...)!

Speaking of the word "never"... Take afew seconds/minutes and just think back when you were younger to a time where the word "never" rolled off your tongue thicker and faster than an avalanche...Can you remember?... Well i will tell you about my experiences with the word "never"... I distinctly remember being about eight years old, watching my big brother come home from a late night, drunk as a skunk, tumbling all over the place, watching my parents freak their "beans" at seeing him in his "happy" state... You know what i said?... I turned to my mom with my innocent, fresh(yes fresh, even after eight years!)face and said " Mom, i will NEVER drink alcohol!"... Here i am sixteen years and a couple of cases of Heineken later, rubbing the back of my head as the word "never" slaps the crap out of it!

Fair enough, i don't drink everyday... infact i very rarely get HAMMERED, but last time i checked the word "never" is suppose to mean NEVER... By the way, there is one thing i have learnt as i stumble along my life path... The word " NEVER" is Murphy's favourite word and the basis of his twisted Law! I remember friends of mine from my childhood, that said, "I will NEVER smoke." Now, some of these friends of mine have to wear helmets every christmas because "Father Christmas" always seems to jump on them, thinking they are the chimneys!

Yeah, it really is true that you must Never say "NEVER!"...(I wonder if this means i could become a singer!) ;)

Could I join their league...

So here i sit, resisting the overwhelming urge to collapse on my sofa and catch a world record amount of ZZZ's! Why? Well i just couldn't sleep without bunching up a bunch of words... Yes, i cannot explain it, but i have an unexplainable urge to write, write and write some more.

I have dreams of one day becoming the next John Grisham or J.K. Rowling... I want to seduce people and give them levels of entertainment they never thought were possible with my words... I hope that im not misleading myself and wasting my energies on something that could be hopeless...

I want to write because i love to write, i want to make money with what i write because i want to earn the title of "writer" or "author" and i want to reap the rewards of the title that i so badly want to acquire!

It takes hard work, which i don't mind doing... It takes persistense, which i reckon i have in abundance... But... I'm sure it takes talent too and thats the one ingredient that im not sure if i have?... One thing is for sure, i will keep trying... Never give up... On my quest to join the league of extraordinary writers... Ps-Can't wait to see the second season of Californication! :)

One of those days...

Today was just one of those days, it all started as a typical day(heat included), got to work and continued with the daily routine, then suddenly it began....

Every fucking thing i would grab hold of, would fall out of my hands...EVERYTHING! From apples to money, it would just slip and slide out of my hands, like i had soap on my hands and eachtime something would slip out of my hands, it would leave me in a fit of rage, swearing at the top of my lungs.

I just couldn't understand what was going on...Murphy was on a roll today, rearing his ugly head into every corner where i walked.

The last straw came at about 4 o' clock, i picked up an apple that happened to be chilling on the floor, just staring at me going insane as Murphy carried on his trickery... I picked it up and there it slided out of my hands, rolling onto the floor again, i took a deep breath and made another attempt... Just when i thought it was secure, it popped out of my fingers..."What the FUCK!" i shouted, charging at the rolling apple once more.People normally say third time lucky... Haha... Not this time... So as i grabbed the evil apple for the third time... It SLIPPED out of my "embaressed" grip yet again!.. I SNAPPED, completely losing it... Grabbed it(why didn't it slip that time!?!) squeezed it and threw it to the ground with all my power... watching it slam onto the floor and split into a million pieces gave me split seconds of relief, moments later, i laughed at my ridiculous outburst!... But still satisfied that it my irritations were slightly vented, i'm sure Murphy had a huge laugh, "he" really knows how to "press my buttons"!

04 August 2008, 21:22pm... Careers

If my every single wish of mine came true i would have quite a C.V. by now, if i think back as far as i can remember...

The first thing i wanted to become in life was a police man, i was like five years old and i remember wanting to be a cop and opening up a can of whipass on the bad guys just like my favourite policeman on T.V. from that show TROPICAL HEAT(forgot his name, but he was cool...) Then about two years later, when i was round about seven, i remember wanting to become a lawyer...Why? Because i realised that lawyers make more money, dress better and dont do any dangerous shit like jump infront of moving cars and it was so cool to watch lawyers in court massacaring people with their sophisticated language....

Somewhere between seven and twelve years old i remember wanting to become a fireman(only because i had always had an urge to spray the crap out of people with a firehose as they walked past me!) At twelve i remember wanting to become a cricket player, i was obssessed with cricket, i would eat and sleep cricket and even though i couldn't outrun a turtle, i somehow, someway believed i would high-five Shaun Pollock someday(im still waiting, by the way...)

Then i started listening to rock music and drinking beer and had aspirations of becoming an alcoholic rockstar!!! Much to the dismay of my life skills teacher, i shared my jilted dream of alcohol fuelled melody creations with her...(Thankfully, i got over that, not the beer though!) Then i wanted to become a psychologist and this was a serious decision, that sank along with my maths grades...

Now i still have a dream... When and if it works... You shall all know!!! :)

Will i ever get there...

So here i am rambling on, my mind has hit a dry spell, infact it is so dry i had nothing else to write about today other than how dry it is...(Pass me a beer...)

I love to write, i love it, i could do it for a living, i want to do it for a living, thats right, for the first time ever, i am declaring it on my blog, i want to be a writer, a professional writer who makes a decent and comfortable living writing books, novels. The problem is how to get out of this desert that i am currently lost in and impregnate my mind with a genial idea and give man-birth(Hank Moody-Californication) to books.

I've tried just about every mind stroker i know, from long walks between trees to afew gallons of Heineken to try and create something useful and worth writing...I've even tried reverse psychology:"Marcio, you are not writer blocked"....................

Well wether im a writer or not, i don't know, but i do like to write and im not going to stop! I just hope that one day i will be doing it for a living(And find a short cut out of the sahara when i manage to get my ass back in there, from time to time)...

Parental guidance is advised

I remember quite some time ago when i didn't know how to start a blog online, i decided to start a blog offline, by just writing it on my pc and saving it in a file. So today i share with you one of my very first blog posts, which i wrote on the 28th of April 2008 at 23:17pm, with the above title:

After having a very busy day, filled with things to do, i found pleasure in just taking a little breather and grabbing the newspaper to read...

Suddenly my stomach turned, i looked again to make sure i was reading correctly, yes, my mind unfortunetly was not playing tricks on me and my under par eyesight was spot on this time. I was reading yet another story of a father and daughter who were having sexual relations... Against her will.

Now it completely boggles my mind, how a father can be sexually attracted to his own daughter, his own creation! A fathers job is to teach his children the difference between right and wrong as they grow into adults. But in some cases, like the one i read, they wake up on one fine day and evily notice that their daughter has grown a decent sized and firm rack and decide to juggle, it absolutely shocks me how these men can RISE to the sick and sad occasion!

Last week i read in a magazine how a father and daughter embarked on a mutually consensual loving relationship. The woman said she did not see the man as her father, but as a regular individual, whom she found attractive! Now, in a disastrous situation like this one would hope that the older person in the equation would have more logic, not to mention moral integrity and guide the younger person on the right track. But instead the gentleman decides to participate in the madness and reciprocate the feelings, hence beginning a sexual relationship which could result in children.Should that happen, what will the child call her parents? As there will be no doubt some confusion in the DNA!

This behaviour is very strange and the thing is, the perpetrators deem this behaviour normal and try to make the rest of the world around them look like they are the ones who have actually lost their marbles!

What has this world come to!... I would only condone such behaviour and not fully, just by the way, if you were an adopted child and your adoptive mother was as hot as Angelina Jolie! Ciao!

She's hot...He's not...

Today i was having a chat with a buddy about the usual...Work...Good times and lastly men(for her ofcourse!) then women(my topic ofcourse!).

After revealing to her the list of women that are invited to my mansion, when i dethrone Hugh Hefner, she casually replied by saying, "i got to agree with you on Jessica Alba...She's hot!" This was perfectly normal and there was no akward thoughts or creepy atmosphere or even funny comments, it was like she was talking about the weather!

Our talk got me thinking for a while(Yes, men do actually think by the way...), now im going to re-write the above situation, but flip that shit around...

After revealing her list of men that would be invited to her modelling agency when she finally dethrones Janice Dickinson, I casually reply: "I got to agree with you on Brad Pitt...He's hot!" Now suddenly, the air is filled with "creep" and akward thoughts fill her head of me and Brad Pitt!!(ps-for the record, i don't find Brad Pitt or any man hot!)

Isn't wierd that it's okay for a perfectly straight chick to call another chick hot without any akwardness or comments, but it is totally wierd, bordering on psychotic for a perfectly straight dude(like myself, for the record, incase you had your doubts...) to call another dude hot without akwardness or comments...?

Wierd but true? So truth really is stranger than fiction...

Seven

I heard a friend once tell me that when a person eats spices, it takes seven, yes SEVEN years for your body to get rid of them... When i heard this, i was amazed, amused and looked at him thinking"I reckon the last piss up you had is going to take seven years for you to recover from by the looks of it!"...

So after that day, everytime i put spices on my food, i think for a second and after doing some calculations, im going to have to live to be about 500 years old to get rid of all the spices i have grazed over the years... And that's if i stop eating SPICES today!

I personally think that this theory is such a pile of crap, that i think if it was lying on my front door, it would take me about seven years to clean up! if it is true though, then when i make my grand exit from this earth, the worms are going to be in for one hell of a treat...SPUR!

Have you ever noticed that when people get together and talk about their childhoods, that everything happens when we are seven years old! Really, it's happened to me aswell, i've had plenty conversations where i always end up saying:"when i was seven..." Everything happens when you seven, what the hell happened to the path before you arrived at seven!?! It's like when your mom asks you:"Do you remember how your first bedroom was decorated with Superman curtains?" You reply: "No, but i do remember burning them down when dad got his new zippo and accidently played with it...when i was seven!"

Yeah, everything happens when you are seven and fourteen, which just for the record, is alot more fun...But lets leave that for another day! ;)

Welcome back!!!

After a very long absence, i finally found time to come back here and add something... My blog was very angry with me and threatened me with a divorce! Luckily "she" found it in her heart to forgive me, so we are back to normal...

My thought for today is, why do women get moody when it is clean day? Yes, on the day where they decide to clean the house, it is best you move out because if you stay, trust me you will be in the line of a huge ass fire!!!

And it affects women of all ages and trust me on this too... It is a virus that CANNOT be cured... I remember being a kid and lying on the couch(like i use to do on every other day, without a worry) and almost crapping my pants with my mother SCREAMING at the top of her lungs for me to MOVE! when she approached with the vaccum-cleaner like a female terminator, ready to execute all in her path!

It boggles my mind to this very day, why women let out their demons(along with the trash) on CLEAN DAY!!!

The Botox Queens...

Walking in to the supermarket, through the corner of your eye you see the cover of your favourite magazine..."WOW!"you say, noticing the lovely lady on the cover...

You lick your lips in anticipation, shaking as you promptly pay for the magazine, completely forgetting the rest of the items on your shopping list.You speed home like a bat out of hell, bursting through the door of your home, flicking open the magazine with glazed eyes like an addict getting ready for another fix...

"Oh No!...What happen!?!" You scream, leaping back in your chair...Completely shocked at the pictures that were in the article that sparked your urge to buy it in the first place...

This common scenario, most of us men have been acquianted with(not me, though... :), we rush to buy the article that contains pictures of the woman that was the object of our affections our whole early teenage life, the root of our wet dreams(sorry:)! In the hope that, that funny feeling will come back to us...Then suddenly you look at the once stunning woman who has now become a shadow of her former self, a much more "swollen" shadow that is, equipped with DUNLOP sponsored lips and the cherry ontop..."The constantly surprised look!"...The frozen facial expression that can only be achieved courtesy of a Botox Overload!

Don't get me wrong, i'm not against botox, especially for people in hollywood who earn their keep by looking good!...But why is it that us humans never listen to our doctor's advice..."Everything in moderation."

Maybe someone should start a BA(botox Anonymous)...Ciao :)

These kids nowadays...

Leaning on your couch, hands on your chin, reflecting the absolute suicidal mood you are in, watching your grandmother knit in her rocking chair at the corner of your living room gathering dust like all the other ornaments your mom proudly owns!(joking)

You then start browsing through all the channels on TV, stopping ofcourse when you reach Mtv, suddenly you come alive...Overcome by the adrenalin overload that is racing through your veins...You begin singing along to the lyrics of the song on TV..."Cause i'm a hazard to myself!"...you shout out, singing along with PINK, suddenly you stop and laugh as you notice your sweet grandmother shouting at the TV, giving PINK a piece of her mind. "She can't hear you granny!"you try explain to her, but she won't have any of it and continues her ranting! Your mom comes out of the kitchen, equipped with an apron and wooden spoon, to see what the noise on "TV" is all about and says the "magic" words..."These kids nowadays, what is she wearing?!"

Most souls born after the year 1975, are all too familiar with this diatribe(while others have begun to use it on their own kids, sadly ofcourse!) If you think about it, how are nowadays any worse than before? Look at the fashion of the sixties...Do you really believe that those millions of souls who thought that wearing bedazzled bell-bottom jeans, with a long moustache and grease ball Elvis hairstyles were cool! Were in there right minds? think again!

Parents love us and just want whats best for us, which is perfectly normal and we love them for that! But when they start by saying"in my time..." or "in my day...These things didn't happen!"...Ofcourse they didn't, there were no JAGERBOMBS or B52's in those days! You can't tell me your dad's would rather go farming or fishing if they knew about the addictions of the enticing SHOOTERS bar or the internet! Right?

Oh well, think of it this way, one day our children will look at us with our little fossilized ipod's as if we from another planet and say "Dad/mom, thats so old, check out our Z16's!" and pullout somekind of contraption that will boggle our mind's the sameway the XBOX 360 boggles your parents mind's now!They will also shudder at the meer sight of us in our cool cargo pants and beanies, while they will probably rock the planet with their SPACE SUITS Enjoy it while it lasts! Because the more things change, the more human nature stays the same! Ciao!