Blast from the Past...

I was paging through The Sunday Times Magazine today and saw(for the fifth time) that The Pet Shop Boys had made a comeback!I decided to read the article(Trust me, when you are THAT bored, you will even read the fucking dictionary... MORAL OF THIS STORY: Always keep a decent stash of reading material at work, get a cooler job or take a daily vitamin called PROZAC!)

So according to the article, the pair of now grey Domino Dancing boys were the best selling pop artists of the 80's and made a comeback album this year called YES! I'm sorry but I fail to feel the excitement of this alleged historic event! I was still crapping myself when these guys were in the prime of their careers, so the closest I got to experiencing their music was laughing my smooth, infant balls off while watching my older next of kin doing "The Egyptian" dance and sing along to their songs on TV! Amusing but not something I felt an urge to do...

This is somewhat disturbing though... Not so long ago, BELLBOTTOMS came back in fashion! WTF!?! Slowly but surely the past is coming back and blasting in our faces! What if MULLET"S come back in fashion? What about the rolled up sleeves, raised collar, moustache and thick ass chain look comes back into fashion!? What about the chicks with their Honeycomb hairstyles!? You know the hairstyle that looks like they washed their hair in liquid Viagra! If that hairstyle happened earlier than the 80's then where I am from, people were stuck in a fucking Timewarp because I saw the Anthill hairstyle still lurking till I was about 14 years old! Sorry!

So yeah, if amid the whole "Global Warming" fiasco going on we are going through some kind of "Blast from the Past"... Then that is just fucking scary... What's worse Global Warming or having to have that hairstyle like you see in the picture!? Diificult to answer isn't it!? The Beatles were cool for their music... But sadly looking at that picture I can firmly say Nothing Else!

Stay tuned. Ciao.

Check that... Mate!!!

I have spoken about the subject of "Parallel Universes" before on my blog, well if those supposed "parallel's" exist, then I am quite sure I found mine today, I read about it in the newspaper.

I was there as usual seated in my customary position that just exudes boredom from all angles, wiping away sweat droplets that grew instantly from my forehead as the 30 + Degrees of heat seeped in. I always read the newspaper everyday, partly because I dig reading, partly because I might be slowly getting fucking OLD but mostly because it's an effective way to curb boredom even if it is just for a couple of minutes. So paging through it there it was...

A story about a french fry who happens to be fucking good at playing Chess(and drinking by the sounds of it). He went to the land of spicy samoosa's(India) for a chess tournament and was so drunk, that everytime it was his turn to make a move he was busy catching Zzz's. His opponents tried to shake some energy into him, but to no avail, he was completely SHIT-FACED and had to be disqualified and CARRIED out of the building! Now, this very same thing(except the chess part in India) has happened to me on various occasions.

That is why I say that in my parallel universe I am this dude that I read about...TOTafuckingLLY! I am a 35 year old very intelligent chess playing alcoholic french fry in my parallel universe(assuming that shit exists!) Haha! Who would've thought!? I wonder if I have had a "menage a trois" there already!?

Well, all i can say for that dude is he can thank FUCK that there were no CORNFLAKES or VIENNAS lying around there, because if "Parallel Universes" had to exist, he would have a "taste" of my universe!!! ;-)

Ciao.Stay Tuned!

Monday like no other... But still a Monday!

Well surprisingly enough, today wasn't quite as bad as it's predecessors, still bad... But not quite as fucked up! It is probably because after getting completely shit-faced on Saturday night and having a somewhat unsuccessful tryst with a descending escalator, I spent about twelve hours of my Sunday catching Zzz's!

So I woke up pretty refreshed, however I won't be able to say the same thing about tomorrow! What news can I bring forth tonight... Hmm... I love the english language and how we can twist and bend it to suit our communicational needs! A couple of weeks ago, I stumbled upon an article in the Sunday Times newspaper(Forgot who wrote it, sorry!) about a certain stone, called The Blarney Stone... now rumour has it, that if you pucker up and give this cold, immovable object a nice fat wet one... It will magically reward your affections by granting you "The Gift of The Gab" which means you will all of a sudden be able to speak very fluently and will be able to be very persuasive with your new found oral talents!... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

So let me see if I can get this straight here... You go there, you wait in a line for like half your holiday to kiss a fucking cold stone that has been kissed by about half the planet... All for the sake of having an extensive vocabulary and an unmatchable ability to use said vocabulary!? Isn't going to college a much more practical idea which will give you the same result? I mean come on, college girls VS a stone! Hello! But amazingly enough, people flock this stone by the millions... I don't say I won't ever do it... Just for the kick of it... I will most certainly add it to my "To Do" list, if I am gifted with a superhuman ability of speech... I will use it to persuade Mila Kunis to go out on a date with me! That would be AWESOME! If sucking face with a cold, "prostitutish"(Ofcourse it's "prostitutish"! People pay to kiss it!) stone is what it takes... Than so be it! ;-)

Ciao. Stay Tuned... Today's songs: Plain White T's-Delilah, Alanis Morissette-Hands Clean. White Zombie-More human than human & Billy Talent-Surrender(I was quite busy on my pc today... All AWESOME SONGS!)

PS: "Prostitutish" is officially a WORD as of NOW!

Things you shouldn't be doing when you drunk...

Last night I went to a mate of mine's birthday party and as always... It was LEGENDARY! Awesome party! I got so fucking hammered that I still woke up dizzy today!

Apart from having a wicked time and a collosal hangover that is making me feel like the skidmarks on Shrek's underwear, I also believe it or not, learnt something. Yes, even though I was so shitfaced, there were still enough functioning cells in my brain to memorize this important lesson.... Never before has "Learn from your mistakes" rang so true! This is the VERY NB thing I learnt last night:

1) DO NOT under any circumstances what so ever run UP a descending escalator EVER when you are shitfaced!

I shit you not, this happened to me last night! We left the nightclub bright and early and I was rancidly shit faced! We were on our way down on an escalator when my friends decided to turn around and run up... (Still don't know why though!) back into the club, I not wanting to be left alone on a contraption that could make much more co-ordinated movements than i could at that point, decided to also make my way back into the club. I charged up the escalator at (in my mind) a very high speed and fell... Twice if I remember correctly!

That explains my sore bruised knee this morning! So important lesson for you all today... If you do not learn from your own mistakes... Then for fuck sakes you better learn from mine! Do Not under any circumstances run UP a descending escalator at a high speed while shit faced because your knees become your break pads! Not Nice... Trust me!

Ciao. Stay Tuned. :-)

BOYS of the Playboy Mansion!?!

I discovered today that I live right next door to the Playboy Mansion! My neighbour is an aspiring Hugh Hefner (with very disturbing taste I might add!)

About two months ago my neighbour met Anna, our house cleaner, for the first time and it was love at first sight! He was absolutely besotted with her, he didn't wait to make his move (he must have known that time wasn't exactly on his side!) he spotted her outside alone and went in for the "kill"... he made some small talk, like asking her name and all that shite but then he didn't bother to pepper her up with compliments and cut right to the chase... Offering her 200 bucks to go to his bedroom... I'm not sure, but I reckon he needed her to Spit Shine alot more than just his bedposts! She was fucking appauled by his suggestion and told him to take a hike, adding that she wasn't some call girl that he could pay for afew minutes of Slap n Tickle & marched into the house, leaving him there to wallow in his own dust! We thought it would end there...

Today however, he launched Round 2 of mission "Nail Anna"... he was watching her from his window and must have been seriously turned on by her rather large gyrating ass which moved in sync with her arm as she wiped the outside windows... He must have been extremely hot under the collar because what he done next is beyond all human understanding... He stripped down into his somewhat "worn out" birthday suit and started fiddling around with his "rumble pack"!(No doubt looking for the START button...) He must have thought he would be coming on a little too "strong" if he shouted out her name while doing his "prep" and opted to whistle instead, hoping that she would be even more impressed by what he could do with both his hands and his mouth!... She wasn't... Whatever it was she saw scared the fuck out of her because she ran into the house SCREAMING like a demented person! My mom went outside to see what all the commotion was about and imitated Anna sans the screaming though and was laughing instead! So the dude had a REALLY good DARK COMEDY going on there! Afterwards they told him his strip tease was too good to be enjoyed only by two people alone and insisted on calling the cops... He quite hastily chickened out then... Poor Guy... Had a sudden case of Stage fright and ran away!

Note to all: When buying a house always check if your neighbours have curtains on their big windows... Because if they think curtains cramp their style... It could mean something much more explicit... Be careful... Unless she's a hot blonde/brunette! ;-)

Ciao. Stay Tuned

Common Sense!? Say What!?

We are all human, we all get these unexplainable moments of complete madness where we let out a mother of all brainfarts and do, say or ask something completely stupid! it is famously called a "blonde moment"... Some people have alot more "headgas" than others and get these "power outages" much more often!(Sorry, can't blame Eskom for this one!)

I am certainly not immune to this... I have had some pretty serious "short circuits"... But none that I want to talk about right now! Fuck I've had meaningful conversations with BEER BOTTLES for fuck sakes! But that's as far as I will go! Use your Imaginations! ;-) So let me just talk about the classic case of "Bad Wiring" that I witnessed today right in fucking front of me! That's right, today I was an eye-witness to an explosion of stupidity!

The victim of the Common Sense Deficiency virus was a young lady who sauntered into my place of work and started walking around aimlessly, looking around at just about everything that was for sale and even everything that wasn't! She finally settled in front of a certain item, picked it up and started looking at it from all humanly possible angles, turning and flipping it around... The poor Item must have really felt VIOLATED! Then she gestured for one of my colleagues to approach her by waving said item in the air as if it was on auction! Then the ticking of the time bomb began... LOUD AND CLEAR... It went something like this:

Colleague(C): Yes ma'am?

"Einstein" with boobs(E): Are these the green apples? (They were yellow!)

(C): No ma'am, these are the yellow ones, called Goldens.

(E): Are they sweet? (She looked like she was in her mid thirties... Where has she BEEN the last THIRTY YEARS to not know if APPLES ARE SWEET!?!)

(C): I like them, don't know if you will.

(E): How much are they?

(C): Very cheap... Ten!

(E): Ten what? (BOOM!)

Now correct me if I'm wrong here, but I'm quite sure we use RANDS here isn't it!? There are no other secret currencies being used are there!? So that is a very daft question! Yes I know he didn't specify, but come on is it really necessary!? It's quite obvious in this year of 2009, where a loaf of bread (which is suppose to be a "Bargain Buy") will set you back about 8 bucks, that a packet of apples will NOT be 10 cents! So the only obvious conclusion is that it is TEN RANDS! Isn't it!? But in any case we specified, she bought and left... Service with a Smile! Right!? (Popping vein like "Stressed Eric"!)

Maybe "The Prawns" brought a currency of their own when they landed in "District 9" and it is now secretly in circulation! Hmm... Saw the trailer of that movie and it looks fucking AWESOME! Can't wait to indulge my insatiable appetite for cinema and watch it!

For some very odd and unexplainable reason, I find myself listening to Lilly Allen-Smile at this very moment as I am writing this!?! Catchy is all I can say right now! ;-)

Stay Tuned. Ciao.

Cougarville!

After enduring another nard drenching day of 30 + Degrees Celsius heat, I was fucking ecstatic to finally come home to an ice cold shower, a decent meal and my beloved PC with a Heineken at my arms length!

I watched Two & Half Men earlier on and today's episode dealt with "Charlie Harper" coming to terms with the fact that his youth is slowly disappearing with every wrinkle he appears to collect! Getting fossilized sucks! For men, there's little comfort or redemption when Father Time starts kicking us in the ass... We get fat, the viagra we start taking only seems to work on our ears and noses and the hair on our heads decides to migrate south...

Then there's women, they also get fat and out of proportion but the worst thing that happens to the fairer sex is that everything on their bodies except their hair decides to migrate south! There comes a time in their lives where "push up" bra's just won't cut it... And they have to resort to cosmetic surgery... Which leaves them looking like raisins attached to a Barbie Dolls head!

I hate wine! Just the thought of those bottles of squashed grapes drenched in foot germs, vinegar and alcohol is enough to make me call RALPH at the top of my LUNGS! So I wouldn't know if wine does get better with age... But if that rumour is to be believed... Then there are definitely women out there who are just like (alleged) fine wine... They certainly do get better with age! Here are three of the most awesome examples of "vintage birds"(Vintage=50 years old and up!) who look just as good as "vintage wine" apparently tastes... Valuable "Antiques":

3) Madonna-(Minus the gap in her teeth and the fact that her arms are alot more toned than mine!) Looks pretty hot for a women who just turned 51!

2) Susan Sarandon-(Don't know how old she is, but I am quite sure she is over 50!) She Looks MIGHTY hot!

But I must say, in place NUMERO one(1) at an AMAZING Dust gathering 59 years old... Morgan Fairchild is the hottest Vintage Bird I have ever seen! WOW!... She is gorgeous for a woman who is old enough to be my grandmother!!! Did i hear someone say Grandmother Fucker!?! ;-)

Ciao. Stay Tuned! :-)

Global Frying!?!

Today is the 31st of August which means technically Spring is only arriving tomorrow! But here at the coordinates I call home, Spring is already here! The bitch arrived dressed to kill in high temperature's! Yes the temperature's were doing a deadly dance around the 30 Degrees Celsius mark here today!

Most people are jumping for fucking joy as they donate, burn or bury their jackets, gloves beanies and jerseys! But not me! I don't dig seasons that come standard with temperatures above the 15 Degrees Celsius mark. So it is with much regret that I am forced to kick my winter wear to the curb as of tomorrow! I don't like summer for a vast number of reasons but the main one being because I am nowhere near a beach... If I ever feel the need to cool off and unwind in some near frozen H2O, I only have two options... 1) My bathtub/shower OR 2) The local Public Pool. Both of these options kinda suck... In option one, there are no waves or babes to keep you both busy and entertained while you deplete your body heat and in option two... We all know what happens in public pools... Considering how much smaller it is compared to the ocean... I rate i would rather take a dive in a toilet... Atleast THAT has a FLUSH!

Not to mention that my not so good friend Insomnia feels obliged to arrive at random much more often during Global Warming Peak Times like Summer & Spring! I also hate it when I finish bathing and like two hours later I'm just as wet as when I got out of the shower! (If your configuration allows this) Have you ever walked around with a sweaty NUTSACK!? It's not cool... Trust me! Another thing I hate about summer... When you get into your car, it's like a fucking oven, you can't touch the steering wheel(And no matter how many times it happens to you... You ALWAYS forget that minor detail & burn the fuck out of your hands!) I also hate how my aircon gets lazy in summer and I have to crank it up to maximum for afew seconds, just to kick it in the ass so it can start releasing cold air!

I don't drink coffee(Unless it's of irish descent!) Instead I drink cold Milo... Thats how I start all my mornings(unless I have a hangover) and every time Global Warming kicks in...Guaranfuckendamnteed(That's a word as of now just by the way!) every year, I will drink offed milk by accident... It happened today!

But it's not all doom and gloom... On the plus side... I have a more valid reason to drink BEER!.. To keep my body temperature at a healthy and constant 36 Degrees Celsius and nothing higher... Homeostasis is a clear indication of good health! ;-)

I was listening to Alanis Morisette-Thank You & Hands Clean as I wrote this... Awesome songs! She is a very talented chick!

I hope you all enjoy the elevated temperatures as much as i am going to hate them!

Ciao. Stay Tuned! :-)

Chers Mate!

Yes I have mentioned on my blog before about the first time I got fired... It was about six years ago, I was nineteen, in the UK...

I had an opportunity to go there and ofcourse took it with both hands, people were flocking to the UK back then as if it was the "Promised Land" where you just get there and amazing shit just randomly starts happening! Is that what happened for me... Not exactly... But I don't regret it, it was very educational. I was there for six months and it was like taking one of those short courses that just give you a touch of the subject matter in question to prepare you for the diploma. Those six months I spent in the UK were like a short course of life! Would I go back? There was a time in my life when I would say absolutely not! But now, I've changed my mind... if I had a decent opportunity to go there, I would... It definitely isn't my first choice of places to move to, but if I saw something worth my while that I could do there, I absolutely would!

But back to the time when I broke my UK cherry... I was fucking excited, my first job was at a coffee shop. I remember going for the interview, the manageress was a South African chicky, she had one look at my CV and looked up at me in amazement... I thought to myself, I would be amazed too if I saw a guy that young with so many years of Fruit & Veg work already under his belt! "Are you nineteen?" she asked. "Yes." I replied. Turns out she was fucking amazed about how youthful I WAS as opposed to how youthful I LOOKED! I got the job. Fuck Yeah!

Cleaning toilets, mopping floors, clearing tables... Were all part of the job! I even had a "job title" to disguise the fact that I wasn't at the bottom of the ladder, but actually putting it up STILL! I was officially a "Table Cleaner"! A slight memory lapse with potential to break bones was what cost me my job... My career as a "Table Cleaner" came to a rather abrupt end and became part of history just days after I made the mistake of mopping the floor without putting up the "CAUTION" signs! It SLIPPED my mind that even though people could see I was mopping, they might not know that wet floors can cause them to fall on their asses if I don't let them read it for themselves!

In walks my manageress and slips! She didn't fall on her ass but she did lose her balance for enough time to come to the conclusion that I was not the right dude for the job... After reading me the riot act, days later she had apparently found someone with "more experience" and let me go!

I hope I don't ever get fired again but if I ever do, I hope it's for something a little more serious like arriving drunk or something. Getting fired for not putting up a CAUTION: WET FLOOR sign is just FUCKING STRANGE...

Stay Tuned. Ciao! :-)

La Fiesta Tomatina

Okay so I'm not EESPANISH... So I don't know if that is even the right name of the said festival, but I did see it on the news last night!

EESpanish people are crazy and brave as fuck! Would you willingly try and outrun a raging bull all in the name of fun!? EXACTLY! Fuck no! Yes once a year, the lovely Spaniards get together all in their white "Run for your fucking lives" Uniforms and just let a couple of chronically pissed off bulls loose in the middle of town to run after them! The ones who are alive and not maimed in any kind of way by the end of this race... Have a good laugh and celebrate life! AMAZING! I admire them for that!

But this blogpost isn't about the bright brass "cajones" of the eespanish personas! This is about another festival that took place the other day there... La Fiesta Tomatina... Where a whole bunch of people take a couple of truckloads of tomatoes and pelt eachother with it in a friendly food fight! Awesome! They paint the town red literally! At this year's festival they used a mere 125 TONS of tomatoes! Where the fuck did they find so many fucking tomatoes!? I bet you there are no porras in Spain! (Even though we live next door!) I bet you there were a bunch of my kind saying: "125 TONS! Shit what a waste! Do you know how many boxes of tomatoes can be made and sold out of 125 tons!" ;-)

This Fiesta is something I would love to experience sometime! Really, it is on my "To Do" list (Which I will be adding very soon!)... Awesome stuff I tell you! Imagine this! Yes good people, you know you can always count on me with my warped imagination to put a spin on things and bring a whole new dimension to a perfectly normal thing like throwing 125 000 kilograms of tomatoes around! If I ever mission off to Spain, I will create a festival of my own! I will call it the "Perro Calente"(Hotdog) Festival... Anyone wanting to enter will have to pay though...(Only to cover costs) We will have 125 tons of cooked viennas, 125 tons of tomato sauce, 125 tons of mustard and 125 tons of bread rolls... That will be an awesome food fight of ready made hotdogs! When you get tired of peting other people, you just eat! I will make sure it is held in October, same time as the Beer Festival in Germany so that at the end of the festival we just mission over to Germany and quench our thirsts! Or if you're an adrenaline junkie and feeling a little violent, you could always just skip the hot dog idea and use glass bottles of tomato sauce to throw at eachother... Each bottle holds +- 36 tomatoes, so it will be like cluster bombs! Just make sure you have an AWESOME medical aid if you try this! I reckon a decent plastic surgeon would also come in handy! ;-)

I am taking a very nostalgic trip today. I'm listening to Sugar Ray-"Mean Machine" & "Someday"... I loved these songs when i was fifteen! Still great songs! But fuck I am feeling old now!!!

Ciao. Stay Tuned.

Officially off the pill...

This is a an absolutely true story! I am off "the pill"... My Anti's are all taken! I feel much better and am ready to drink up a storm... Even if it passes before midnight! ;-)

I am not much of a drinker, infact I am a very shit drinker... The problem is I think I have a lazy liver, it simply can't do the "job" at hand adequately! I pass out, get carried, puke at random like most of my fellow drinkers... But I usually get there much faster, which is kinda sad, but oh well whatever... Practise makes perfect right!? I will one day master the craft! It's "gym" for my liver... It will one day be fit and strong enough to handle "workload"! ;-)

I could swear I heard people jumping and screaming for joy all the way from Germany as October slowly creeps in! I bet excitement is already the order of the day there as they count down the days to "Oktober Fees"... For those of you who may have been unfortunately stuck under a rock and don't know what the fuck I am talking about! The "Oktober Fees" is a full on celebration of the bitter bubbly that fills our hearts with joy, our stomachs with fermented gas and our heads with dizzying, shitty thoughts! Yes "Oktober Fees" is an "off the hook" celebration of my favourite alcoholic beverage... BEER! Now I haven't had the honour of attending one of these festivels but I would love to sometime very soon!

Apparently Beer flows much more than water in any kind of stream or river ever can! They sell it in two litre mugs!(Oh fucking BLISS!) In October ALL watches STOP in Germany and everywhere you look... It is BEER O' CLOCK! It is EVERYWHERE apparently! I have to go there and get my Dr.'s degree in beer drinking at some point in an october in the very near future! :-)

Today's song: Counterfeit-Limp Bizkit! These guys were awesome!

Ciao. Stay Tuned! :-)

Hair resistant plasters

No I am not drunk or high! I am still on "The Pill"... The title of this is about what I would invent right now if I was some kind of inventor type dude!

It sounds crazy but trust me it's not! I had a plaster on the other day, I removed it yesterday and it left me with "premature balding" on the said area, a much dirtier mouth(even by my f***ing standards) and pain! Yeah, yeah ladies you can stop calling me a p*ssy now, I know you wax which is obviously painful and you take it like real woMEN, so congrats on that! Can i stop applauding now?

But I think if this invention was ever possible it would be very beneficial to us european men who are pain intolerant! True to form today was a really shitty day... all the symptoms were there... It was an extremely long day, my patience was like last weeks cold front (Below zero) and something as simple as staying awake was a mission of note! I was major tired the whole day! Monday is always such a mind f*ck!

I am listening to hits by Chris Daughtry (Home, Breakdown & Over You.) The man is a legendary talent with an equally amazing story! He entered didn't win but is so good that he is right up there next to Kelly Clarkson as the most well known product of American Idols and I can clearly see why, the man is brilliant! He writes songs that are heavy enough for a rock fan like myself to enjoy and his lyrics are very touching... Lyrics that we can all relate to in one aspect or another of our lives! He followed his dream, didn't ever give up and it paid off now! The man has worked very hard and is now reaping the rewards! Truly inspiring! :-)

Ciao. Stay Tuned

Rewind

Got up at 4am to play "rewind"... I have done a couple of things this week that I never thought I would ever do in my life!

The first of these things was take off my pants and bend for a guy!(Calm the fuck down!) There was absolutely nothing sexual about what I done! But the dude did take out his massive tool and shoved it into my ass! (Relax!) I was feeling a little under the weather and since I had spent last weekend with a couple of friends who weren't sure about their swine flu status, I decided it was best if I went to the doctor to check my health! He told me it was a regular flu and gave me an injection in my ass for good measure! So yeah not only is the good man about twice my age, but he must have been very charming because when he told me to turn around and take off my pants, I didn't hesitate! Must've been the size of his needle! ;-)... Paedophilia!?

In other news, I'm pretty sure a small corner of hell just froze over!(Ofcourse i didn't go and check, I don't plan on "making a turn" there... EVER!) Why? I went out on friday night and DID NOT I repeat DID NOT get shit faced! Infact I didn't touch a drop of alcohol! my liver is beaming with pride! I'm on "the pill" for the next five days...(Antibiotics) But I had a good time! It's not about the drinking, it's about the company! I had a good laugh with afew of my mates at a restaurant talking about the happenings of "The farm" and then we went out to this dodgy place where we spent the worst fifteen bucks possible just to go inside! After one drink we fucked off because there was already a fairly large, fairly intoxicated man proclaiming his innocence quite confidently after he was accused of petty thievery! It went something like this: "I didn't STOLE your phone..." Yeah, that one legendary line was our ticket out of "Planet Dodge" and back into civilization!

In more news, a ZIT recently took up residence in the strangest place on my body!... My shoulder! It actually popped yesterday but I will spare you the gory details! I am just wondering, aren't I a little too old to be getting zits!? I thought zits disappeared with puberty! Guess not! I have heard of "new" beginnings... But this is ridiculous! Next thing you know I will be getting "stonies" all over again!

I listen to music now when I write my blog, so i will be sharing whatever song I am listening to from now on! (No matter how cool or ridiculous, wait a minute... It's never RIDICULOUS... I think I have AWESOME taste in music!) ;-).... Today's very inspiring song: Guano Apes- No Speech

Ciao. Please Stay Tuned!

Sensitivity

Girls apparently like sensitive guys.... I am just generalising here... Shit, I've only been married once, so how the fuck should I know!?

But that is the general idea! Right!?(That was a rhetorical question, please don't correct me if I am wrong! Thanks...) Well if there is any morsel of truth in that apparent theory, then shit I have to go out tonight and totally get laid somewhere because right now I am the most sensitive guy I know right now!(I had to say "right now" twice to just emphasize the fact!;)

I got out of the shower and almost cried! Watching the soap wash away into the drain... Earlier on I got my ass kicked by my 8 year old nephew with his 4 year old brother! The odds were against me, it was two on one! My finger tips are screaming for mercy as I type this blogpost! I think if I have to watch a sunset or sunrise I will die! How the hell can you stand or sit outside in the gale force winds when you have a flu the size of the great wall of China lurking inside you!?!

Yes my heightened sense of fragility is due to a flu that stole what was left of my manliness a couple of hours ago and has left me more sensitive than a cock head... NOW that is sensitive!

I hate flu, it makes you cough as if you have been ODing on nicotine since before you started shaving! You sneeze so many times people around you get tired of "blessing you" and you start humming to the tune of your after sneeze sound effect! HAAACHOOOWEEE!!! You go through toilet paper as if it's beer, which makes your nose so red it glows in the fucking dark!!!

But the worst thing about a flu is how damn sensitive you get! The slightest touch to your body can send you wriggling and shaking in pain as if you were in a stampede! It sucks! So guys if your chicks ever mention that you are not sensitive enough, do yourselves a favour, book a holiday with her to the coldest place you know, when you arrive, on the very first NIGHT(Very NB detail!) put on your swim suit... Actually no... Just go in your birthday suit to the BEACH!... take a swim... Just before hypothermia sets in, get out and pull out suntan lotion and ask her to rub it all over your body, then just lie there till the wind dries up the lotion... If you are still alive after all this and are worried that you look like a gigantic raisin... No worries, it's part of the plan!

I can almost guaranfuckentee you that she will be so fed up with having to take care of your frail, sensitive body that if she doesn't dump your stupid ass, she will love you more and more everytime you force her to watch ESPN with you! She will even give you service with a smile when you force her to get up every five minutes to"Bitch, get me another beer!" (PS: This blogpost was inspired by WWE- Please don't try this at home!) ;-)

Ciao. Thank you all. Please Stay Tuned! :-)

Does he dig Gardening!?

I was at work today doing the tasks that are part of my job description when he walked in...

I froze in amazement... he casually strolled in as if everything was absolutely normal, even his well hung fingernail, confidently going about whatever it was he wanted to do! I didn't freeze in admiration, I froze in utter shock! That was by far the longest fucking finger nail I had ever seen! I am certain that there are animals out in the wild that are totally envious of this dude's claw!

What he done next is what almost convinced me that this dude has a thing for gardening! He started digging in his nose! There must have been a royal itch somewhere deep in that nasal cavity because he probed it with his claw till it was almost completely invisible to my short sighted eye! He started pulling these very disturbing faces that confuckulated the shit out of me! Was he enjoying it or what? Wtf?

He looked relieved when he was done as if he had just taken a major crap! Taking deep breath's and shit! He then wiped the residue on his claw on his pants! Yeah, my thoughts exactly... Sif dude!

Next time you want to spring clean the inside of your "double barrel"... Please get a room... Preferably with no windows!

Ciao. Please Stay Tuned! :-)

PS: If I ever were to be president I would make public displays of "nasal gardening" Illegal! Raping your nose is wrong! Imagine how violated your nose feels!?!

Monday Madness

Why are mondays after a legendary weekend that much more fucked up?

Work dragged liked a bitch today! So much more than usual... Then on days like today, your "service with a smile" policy just goes for a bag of shit! Case in point, I snapped at a dude today because he was hard of hearing and asked me to repeat myself twice! Poor deaf tool! How could I!? Later that day, I was falling asleep and a young lady walked in and asked me if I was sleeping? I thought to myself... No I just like pretending to be asleep for the goodness of my fucking health! Ofcourse I'm fucking asleep! You sleep for four hours and then come to work, see how alert you will be!... Instead I let out the most condescending chuckle you can possibly imagine and agreed! it went something like this: "(Blank stare)...hahaha(briefly)...Yes...I'm asleep! (Blank Stare)"

I'm watching the movie "Domino" as I type this, brilliant movie, well directed, well written, excellent dialogue... Everything about this movie just works!(For me anyway!)... Off beat, disturbingly funny with a story to tell! The fact that Keira Knightley acts in it helps ALOT! She is gorgeous!

I'm just relieved that his craptastic day is finally coming to an end! Tomorrow will be a new day with new events, new stories and new discoveries... One thing that will unfortunately be the same is this flu... (Cough, cough)... (Sniff, sniff)... Totally sucks!

Ciao. Stay tuned!

Farmers Weekly-Edition two!

This weekend was awesome!I went to a farm with a couple of good friends... Yes, I know you must be a thinking... A FARM!? What The Fuck!? Right!? Well this is no ordinary farm!

There isn't any kind of vegetation and shit! The only thing you harvest here are good times with just a touch of some serious "health issues" on the side! But nothing a beer can't fix! The last time I went, that's right "Edition 1", I ended up passed out on a sofa and when I woke up, my glasses were broken, my head was "screaming" for mercy and I discovered that I had "breakfast in bed" but there was more breakfast on the bed than in my stomach! The photo's were even more disturbing!

So back to "Edition two"... I got just as hammered! but no breakfast in bed and I actually passed out on a bed! So not too bad, but equally legendary!

Believe it or not, my weekend was educational! Besides a goodtime and a wicked hangover, what else could I possibly take from this? Well, I have absolutely no doubt that you learn from your mistakes! We all certainly do! But, we also learn from other peoples fuck ups... I certainly did this weekend! I learnt that you do not, under any circumstances mix beer with artificial sweetners! ;-). I also learnt how to play casino... YEAH! I didn't know how to play it and I can't believe it took me 25 years to learn! Does this mean that there is still hope? Will I ever learn to ride a bicycle!? I also found the miracle cure to a hangover! A beer... Or two! Yes hangovers are just like fucking snake bites, you go back to the "source" to find the cure!

I am listening to songs on "You Tube" while I write this, it is fucking awesome... Listening to Pearl Jam and All sorts of other cool shit!

Hope your weekend was as awesome as mine! Please stay tuned!

Ciao. :-)

Lets be frank about the beans...

Firstly, my apologies for the long absence.

Sunday was women's day, I was at work reading the "Sunday Times" newspaper and went directly to my favourite section, the back page! On it was a story of a young englishman who went to the Greek Islands on holiday, while having a night out in the town he had a sudden urge that could not be satisfied by a salad alone!

He saw a pretty young local and decided to approach her to ask if she was up for a round of "Slap n Tickle" or two, she gave him the "cold shoulder" and went on about her business. The young man was determined and FIRMLY believed that persistence pays off, so he continued on his quest to try and convince the young lady that there was much MORE to him than just slurred speech and napalm breath! She still wouldn't budge and continued to avoid him as if he was a bad case of herpes!

So the young man still refused to accept defeat, he was a man of action and had a plan, he FIRMLY(These are FIRMLY puns by the way!) believed that actions speak louder than words, so off he went again but this time instead of telling her how he felt, he showed her! He whipped out the "mini-him" and literally showed her what she would be missing if she showed him her shoulder again!

She responed to his "passionate" gesture with just as much fire by throwing the sambuca she was drinking all over it and in the HEAT of the moment not so accidently put it on fire with her lighter! Poor guy! She obviously likes her sausages a little over "medium rare" or was impressed by the size of the "coffee beans" and wanted to test if they were as flammable as the regular ones she would normally put in sambuca!

The guy should learn how to take NO for an answer and he should know now that persistence doesn't always pay off! Alternatively, he should get himself a pair of fire proof underwear or stop hitting on girls who drink sambuca!

Wow! Man's best friend comes standard with fleas, bad breath and four legs... Women's best friend comes in a bottle, lighter not included and beans may vary in size and go according to preference! ;-)

Ciao... Please Stay Tuned! :-)

Burp

Burp...Burp...BURRRPPP!!! I love burping! I love it and I'm not even good at it! To belt out the most crass noises at the highest possible level of decibels I need to drink something fizzy! (Preferably beer)

I'm not one of those dudes that can just burp at any decided moment as if I it's as easy as breathing! I am not fortunate enough to have that talent! But I am truly amazed at people who are that gifted... You know the types who can say their names and burp at the same time, that makes me laugh! Stop cringing now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with burping! It's a sign that you have enjoyed whatever went through the oral cavity! You must be thinking... Of all the things I could possibly be writing about... What the fuck made me write about this!? Well because i'm feeling kinda generous... I am going to share with you the root of this blogpost.

At work today, after downing a half litre of liquid fizz, I let out a massive burp that resonated throughout every crevis of the confined space I found myself in... Leaving a string of SHOCKED faces in it's path as it travelled! Some found my digestive indiscretion humorous... Others were clearly disgusted but moved on knowing that the "damage" had been done... But there was one particular human being (of female persuasion ofcourse!) who was both disgusted and quite pissed off to put it lightly... She proceeded by giving me a piece of her mind (I'm guessing my burp didn't convince her of how full I was!) and decided to call me names, that in my opinion, were alot more digusting than my burp! After unleashing a series of seriously disturbing diatribes at me she demanded that I apologize for my burp... To which I blatantly refused!

I amusingly tried to explain to her that if I said the word "sorry" or "excuse me"... I would be LYING! (Which in my books is a much worse offense than burping in public) What should I be sorry for? Killing my thirst? Eating my food? What should I be excused for? I went one day to a pizza place (Bear in mind that I wasn't 100% sober when this occured) and I burped fairly loudly, much to the dismay of the grey haired lad who was standing next to me waiting to buy his food... Why are people so disgusted by burping? Farting, I understand... But burping!? What's wrong with that!?

There's only one place I wouldn't burp... in Church... I think it would be a tad rude to be grazing a big mac with a kilo of coke while Father X says his sermon... Don't you? (Kidding... That's just down right wrong!) ;-)

Ciao. Stay Tuned.

Fucking Monday

Don't be shocked because besides adequately expressing my deep and intense feelings for this craptastic day we are currently going through, I am doing so CLEANLY! Yes, Fucking is officially not a swear word! I shit you not... Google: Fucking- Austria and see for yourself!

I was doing my usual thing last week at work, while paging through the newspaper and to my amazement and relief I saw an article on a little village called Fucking in Austria! I laughed my Fucking (have to use capitals now because Fucking is officially a proper noun!) Minge off and was quite chuffed about it! Now according to the article, there is a sign there with the name of the village and the area just infront of it is apparently a FIRM favourite place (pun totally intended!) among lovers to play slap and tickle, much to the dismay of the resident's who have to apparently contend with the live "sex shows" at all hours of the day! Due to their heightened levels of disappointment, they protested and now apparently the powers that be have installed CCTV cameras at said sign to watch some free porn and catch the fuckers! Hilarious, I know!

I would love to go there on holiday! Can you imagine how entertaining it would be to read all the signs there:
1) Fucking General Hospital 2) Fucking National Library
3) Fucking Primary School 4) Fucking Highschool
5) Fucking Trapeze Circus 6) Little Fucks Fucking Nursery School
7) Fucking pharmacy 8) Fucking Video Store
9) Fucking Five Star Hotel 10) Your One Stop Grocery Fucking shop

These are just a handful of the signs I imagine seeing there... I wonder if there is a Virgin Active Gym there? Fucking Virgin Active!?

These are just afew of the things that i wonder about this Fucking place! Goodnight all... it's time to go get my daily fix of Zzz's so this Fucking(Just keeping with the theme!) Monday can finish faster!

Ciao. Please Stay Tuned.

Friends and Whisky

On Friday night I had dinner with a couple of awesome friends! I ate a fat, juicy steak with some french fries and a couple of beers... We also had to put up with a waitress who couldn't tell the difference between Southern Comfort and Spiced Gold... Opting to keep sending one of my mates the former when he specifically ordered the latter... Doing my best to be a good friend, I gladly took the unwanted "Comforts" off of his hands! ;-)

It was a great, entertaining evening where the topics of discussion ranged from SHMEGMA to the royal piss ups that are due to be experienced in the coming weekends! Last night I went to a braai and saw an "old friend" who goes by the name of "Johnnie Walker", he was "dressed" in red yesterday! ;-)... As I mentioned on FB, I was freezing my Minge off... So I decided to emulate my fellow human beings of Irish descent and induldged in a session of "Irish Milk" drinking... Early this morning though I began to regret that decision very much as I lay in bed in the Fetal position trying to calm "the beast" that suddenly took residence in my stomach! It was a sight that no doubt left all Irishmen who have passed on to heaven (Due to "Milk" related health complications) in stitches! I could've sworn I heard someone shout "PUSSY!" and laugh very loudly while I layed in agony...

It was at that moment that I realised it was best to leave any kind of "deals" with the "Walker" family to the pro's... The Irish and to stick to what I do best... Beer! So now that I have come to terms with the fact that my DNA has absolutely no resemblance to that of an Irishman's because I got so sick without getting shit-faced on whisky... You probably wondering if i'm going to stop drinking whisky? Well considering the fact that I am feeling much better at this moment and knowing very well that "practise makes perfect"... I think NOT! :-)

Hope you all had a great weekend!

Ciao. Stay tuned. :-)

Porra's and Garlic

Like most porra dudes, I am hairy in all the right places and even some wrong places!.. I'd rather not tell you where I work, but let me just say that it is quite the average job for a porra! I'm not a huge wine fan, but I love beer just as much as the average porra loves wine, so my radar is abit "off" target but working 100 %!

Here's another thing I love, that can be very much associated with my raca(rassa)... I love garlic! People don't understand why we love garlic... I don't understand how someone can NOT love garlic... It's FUCKING awesome! We add it just to about every single meal in our menu's, we add to our bread for breakfast(Garlic Bread), we add it to our meat for lunch and we'll add it to our fish for dinner! I know that our need for a daily garlic fix has extremely horrible side-effects like "napalm breath"! But when you write down the "Pro's and Con's"... I think the "Pro's" outway the "Con's"(I repeat... I think!?!)

Besides tasting AWESOME... Garlic is apparently very good for your health, it acts as a purifier for ones body and apparently helps in lowering blood pressure that is reason enough to just keep grazing garlic as if you were stuck in Dracula's back garden! Which by the way is another advantage of garlic grazing... It protects you from vampires! Have you ever heard of Dracula "taking a holiday" in Portugal? Ofcourse not! He would die of poisoning by "Garlic Dioxide"!

I admit, garlic makes your breath smell awful... Which obviously does jackshit for one's sex-life! Which is why you should always carry a gas mask in your boot... "In case of Emergency"! This is why I have come up with this brilliant equation: Garlic + Mouthwash + toothpaste + toothbrush = Picture of health with great smelling mouth...(The rest is up to you...)!

Please don't be offended fellow porra's... I am just as Porra as you and Proudly so... Plus i'm only kidding!

(PS: The apple has to do with where I work... Hint...Hint!) ;-)

Ciao. Stay tuned! :-)

Human Nature?

After politely finishing a bag of chips all by myself while my hungry family members just watch me, I thought about something... Have you ever stopped to think about how people greet one another nowadays?

"Wassup?" "How's it hanging?" "Howzit?" "How's it going?"... Now, among others, these are the most common that I have heard. What do these phrases have in common? They all appear to be speaking about SOMETHING! Yes, a noun, something you can touch... "Wassup?"(What's up?)... What do you mean "what's UP!?"... "How's it hanging?"... What do you mean "How's IT hanging?"... What the fuck is the BASIS of these seemingly polite questions!? I find them a tad offensive! How can ask you some one you have just met... "How's IT?" or "What's UP?"... What the fuck is this "IT"!?

I'm sure we can all relate to this scenario either now, or as kids when our foggies use to do this... When you were getting ready to go to some event, one of the individuals that were the cause of your existence get a BRAINSTORM and say "C'mon kids we have to get there just abit earlier so we can get the best seats!"... So you all rush and do a half ass job at trying to look presentable so you can arrive an hour earlier than the proposed time... Only to arrive there and see that the place is PACKED already!? You stand baffled and amazed! Why? Why do people get amazed by this? Did it ever occur to us that maybe, just maybe the other people at this event are just as human as we were and had the same ability to come up with the very same "theory" we assumed to create(and no doubt were just as baffled as we are at how EVERYONE "COPIED" them)!?

Why is it that if someone famous walked into our house, we would cook them a meal and if you were anything like me you would open your trusty bottle of OLMECA and get totally sozzled in celebration of meeting said person but when a homeless dude asks us to spare some change we totally tell him to FUCK OFF and get a job!?

Why is it that everytime chicks buy new clothes, the ones they bought the week before suddenly become OLD, but they never give them away!? (Ladies-Photo's are memories... Not clothes!)

These are just a handful of the things that I wonder about how we are wired and why we do the shit we do!?

Ciao. Stay Tuned! :-)

Cold Showers

Ladies, when you see those words, you automatically get images of sexually frustrated men who perve over anything that walks(including your cat!) and lick their lips when they see you flash just a slight bit of your gorgeous cleavages and the somewhat disturbing bit of this very accurate information is that said men are usually between the ages of 55 and 95 years old!



Well I involuntarily took a cold shower today! It was absolutely not necessary, but it just happened! I didn't perve over any animals and unfortunately I didn't get to see any kind of cleavages either! ;-(... I was in the shower, doing my thing when all of a sudden the hot water vanished faster than swine flu is spreading! I stood there doing some kind of spastic "dance" trying to avoid the icy droplets reaching my more "sensetive" parts! Luckily I was almost done, so my hypothermic experience was almost over!

I finally knew how Leonardo Di Caprio felt in the that movie where he's floating on a log about to die for his "one true love" to be saved... HAHAHA!!! (Sorry-Yes I am talking about that movie I heard some people watched about a gazillion times: "Titanic") I was also trying to save something, my ability to experience "One True Love"... By keeping my "Rumble Pack" warm after the overwhelming barrage of cold water! Hot showers are bad for dudes... So are COLD ones(TRUST ME!)

Ciao. Stay tuned! :-)

Rings under my eyes

That bitch just kept me up again, I tossed and turned all night long but she wasn't satisfied... She wanted more... She needed more! I switched on my TV, but she didn't get the hint... She was like a nymph always on my back, switched off the TV and layed back again, counted afew sheep but I got bored and fucking annoyed... But no sign of exhaustion! Fuck!

I had heard that a glass of warm milk usually does the trick, but quite frankly I was too lazy to go and do that so I chilled with Insomnia in bed instead, looking for other "solutions" to make her go away. I closed my eyes and imagined myself sleeping... But that's exactly how it remained, an image without a shred of reality. The hours went by and then Insomnia seemed to get tired as I felt myself FINALLY drift away... "Marcio...GET UP!"... It was time to go to work and I only managed to get about two hours of sleep... Funnily enough, I spent most of my working day trying to stay AWAKE! She did all that she wanted and left in the morning... leaving me feeling "used"like a prostitute, but a free one!

I'm yawning as I write this, so it seems Insomnia has found someone else to fulfill her sadistic "desires" tonight...

Now excuse me while I go OD on vitamin Z now!

Ciao. Please Stay Tuned.

Pairs

All useful things come in pairs... Hands, feet, arms, legs... Beer comes in 12 pairs, everything that is awesome comes in two's...

I'm not much of a poker player, but I believe there is such a thing called a "pair" which is apparently good... Then you get "Two Pair" which is obviously better! Cars have two pairs of tyres, you get my drift... Everything around us seems to work better when it is "accompanied"... Even drinks work better when combined, the "Shooters Bar" is the perfect example of "Teamwork"!... I'm going to make my blog "educational" by introducing a series of "calculations" that are going to illustrate my theory on "Perfect Teamwork" at a "Shooters Bar"....

But firstly, when you take that "short" walk to the "Shooters Bar", you are usually on a mission, because all the lovely young ladies are already "coupled" or because your "charm" died of alcohol poisoning weeks ago!(Mating Season runs all year round at most night clubs... I think???) you have nothing left to do but get FUBAR(Refer to my "Learning Curve" if some of my terminology confuckulates you) So getting FUBAR becomes your sole purpose for the night and this is why maths was important at school:

1) Beer = Good
Whisky= Better
Beer + Whisky = Boiler Room!(AKA- BEST!)

2) Red Bull = Gives you wings
Jagermeister = "Jacked up" Vicks
Red Bull + Jagermeister = Jagerbomb!(AKA- GREAT MEDICINE TO OVERDOSE ON!)

So EVEN at the bar... The drinks work best in pairs! "Teamwork" is essential to achieve your goals! ;-)

And now I end off with my favourite PAIR of all time... (Drumroll please...) Not only do they look GREAT from any angle!(Depending on how old they are!) They won't EVER get out of fashion and you won't EVER get tired of playing with them! The fact that they come in a VARIETY of sizes just keeps them FUN! If you still don't know what i'm going on about... Here's a hint... They are the GREATEST treasure you can find in a CHEST! :-)

Ciao. Stay Tuned! :-)

Friday drill

Oh my weekend started off promising indeed... my mom woke me up and said eleven words that just shattered my day..."Oh yes, the dentist phoned, your appointmen is at eight today!" (Told you it was 11, I know you counted!)

I hate going to dentists... Always have since way before I sprouted pubes and after watching that horror movie by the same name, my fears have just exasperated! As I walked in to the reception area, my heart began to race... I wasn't going in for any complicated procedures, it was just for a little "spring cleaning" but I couldn't help it... You know how normally in movies secretaries are these gorgeous girls with the most incredible racks!? Well, even that part of this experience wasn't going my way... She was friendly, but WAY past the 35 mark to provide any kind of comfort!

So I sat down on that dreaded chair, it looks comfortable until you're in it... Then you realise just how badly looks can deceive! So as the Dr. lowers the "torture chair" he makes "small talk" with you, as if you guys are going on some kind of "date"...."How are you?" "Fine." You say with a smile, but in the back of your mind you are thinking "How the F**K do you think i'm feeling knowing that you are about to probe my largest cavity!?" Then come the more technical questions..."What can I do for you today? When was the last time you were here?" You talk sh*t by telling him you can't remember, but actually you know all too well that the last time you were there, you were still a virgin!

Then he starts pulling out these outrageous looking instruments that sound very painful... I know that dentists sterilise all their sh*t but I just can't shake this f***ing thought while the dentist gives his "undivided" attention to my teeth... Where were those instruments before they landed up HERE!? In who's mouth were they!? You wouldn't share forks or spoons with that "dodgy" looking dude who you smell before you can even see right? Well for all you know you could be sharing dental utensils with that dude! See what I mean? But noone else dies from it so why should you!? No worries!

He eventually finishes his job, much to your relief, then he advises you on how to brush your teeth properly and tells you to floss etc... You agree, even though you know you won't do it!

Got to go back in about six months "apparently" just for a "check up"... Once again I agreed, but we'll see!

Ciao. Stay tuned. :-)

My weekend

Yes I know it is kind of late to be writing about my weekend TODAY... But I was having a slight dillema, I couldn't decide wether to write a Facebook note or write on my blog... So I looked up at my "peers" and decided to do what they do when faced with a decision which involves choosing one thing over another... I did BOTH! :-)

So this weekend I done something that women are normally well known for... "Window shopping"! Except, I was not looking for shoes or clothes, I was f***ing hungry and couldn't decide wtf to eat! So I drove around like a "tit"(excuse the pun) while I decided... I walked into the local supermarket, then walked out, I walked past countless take out joints and was still undecided... Then I fell into the typical thing that most humans do when they are undecided... I ended up going back to the very first place I was at and finally bought some food!

There is only ONE difference between my experience and the experience of countless woman across the globe when they "window shop"... I didn't see what the "fuss" was all about because I didn't f***ing enjoy it! Women love "window shopping"... Ofcourse they prefer buying but "window shopping" is a close second! Quite frankly I don't see the "fun" in walking around looking at stuff you not going to buy and to top that all off, you look through so much shit that you have to go back to the first one just to "recap" because you have already forgotten!

Yes I know what you thinking..."You men Window shop for cars!"... YES we do!(Applause)... BUT... There's one difference... The cars we not going to buy, we can still TEST DRIVE, Yeah we can actually drive the car out of the garage and experience it fully without buying it! I would like to see you lovely ladies trying on that brand new dress and try "waltz" out of the store! See how far you get!?!

Have a great night. Please stay tuned! :-)

MILT"A"

In this age of cyber language we are filled with abbreviated sentences that have become part of our daily interaction with eachother... Yes it is true that this sudden language phenomenon does absolutely nothing for the improvement of writing, but if you can't beat them, join them! It isn't going to slowdown at the rate I see it growing! We have our LOL's and LMFAO's and we have even created some of our own sentence words like LMFBO-(Laughing my F Balls off.) and my personal favourite thanks to a good buddy of mine LMFMO-(Laughing my F MINGE off!)

You must be thinking WTF is a MINGE! Well it is whatever you want it to be! Much like the word TOOL which I also love! It's a multitasking word! Yes ladies we can do it too! Let me throw in just off the top of my head yet another abbreviated sentence just for good measure... LMFTO-(Laughing my F TOOL off!)

But what brings me here today is another abbreviated sentence... MILF... I like the meaning of this word, but the word itself is kind of "off" for me... Milf to me sounds like "offed" Milk! Which to be honest doesn't give justice to the subject matter that the word is suppose to carry... I mean do you think of "offed" Milk when you see a HOT older women? I hope not!

Which is why i have come up with an alternative word/sentence which doesn't sound like "offed" milk and certainly gives justice to the subject matter! MILT"A"...Pronounced: MILL TAA(with fingers signalling inverted comma's.) It means Mother I Like To "Admire". Yes it may sound like an "abortion" of note! But it works for me!

So long live the MILT"A"s for me anyway! ;-)

Thank you very much! Ciao. Stay tuned!

Fur Burgers

Pick up your jaws now, stop holding your breaths and calm down... We all know what fur burgers are, especially those who have watched the movie Harold and Kumar...

I am going to share with you a story, there was one fine day when I felt super hungry and decided to buy a burger, no need to say where because the finer details are not important, so anyway I bought the burger and as soon as I layed eyes on it, I fell in love... It looked so good in it's salad dressing I could barely control myself as I peered into the box to spy on it...

So I got home, washed my hands, got a plate and really set the mood for this intimate encounter I was about to have... So I opened the box, carefully cupped the burger into my hands and took my first bite, it was awesome, tasted amazing! BUT then as I rotated the burger to take a bite from the other side of it, I froze... As I noticed something somewhat sinister...

There was something on my burger, it was just there staring at me wickedly preventing me from enjoying the rest of my meal... It was a HAIR! I broke a cold sweat tapping my burger very hard to check for any signs of it being alive... (it wasn't.) Why would my burger grow a pube!?

Then some gross thoughts crossed my mind... What if it was really a PUBE!? Or if it was a hair, was it washed atleast... I could "shave" it and it would be "clean" but i just couldn't "shave" the image of me eating a burger with "stubble".

So i had no choice but to throw it away, now i double check my burgers for "mohawks" when i buy them... I don't believe this is what was meant by the term "FURBURGERS"!

Ciao. Stay tuned.

Tribute to The OC

It has been so long since i was last here that i reckon i could have my very own vegetable patch growing now on my blog. So if there is anyone who still takes the time to stop by and read this, thank you! :-)

What brings me here today is a tribute to my favourite show ever, The OC, i watched the end of it today with great sadness. It has been such a pleasurable part of my life, so to see it end so abruptly is quite disappointing. But it won't ever be forgotten!

Kudos on steroids to Mr. Josh Schwartz for creating such an amazing show, I don't think he realises just how much of an impact this show had. I know I am not speaking only for myself here when i say that The OC changed lives...

Yes I know it's just a show but you have to watch it to understand, i guarantee that four episodes max and you will be hopelessly hooked! Really well written and very well done! Legendary show, legendary cast... TV at it's best. Well done!

Now if you excuse me, I have to go catch some serious ZZZ'z because last night I pulled an all nighter with a couple of my buddies and amazingly i am not curing a hangover I am just very tired! Thanks... Do stay tuned, i will be back, eventually, I promise! :-)

Getting in touch with my inner child

This weekend was a super chilled one with very minimal amounts of alcohol... Infact i spent yesterday afternoon playing my favourite board game with my nephew, monopoly...

Ever since i was a little kid i have loved this board game and yesterday was proof for me that old habits die hard! I sat for a moment thinking why the hell do i dig this boardgame so much? Then the answer came to me, i love this game because it is the only place where i can claim to be a property mogul! In monopoly i am RICH and successful(without the crappy hairstyle!)... That is AWESOME!

But as the game progressed, i realised that i TOTALLY suck even when im trying to win a pretend game of mega wealth! I always seemed to pass the "prime streets" on the board and never got an opportunity to buy them... But when other people owned the whole "GOLD" side of the board, the dice kept throwing me there so i had to give my "hard earned monopoly cash" to my opponents! So i thought instead of giving them my cash, i decided to buy every low budget property on the board that i happened to land on... Giving up on the game just before i got bankrupt! So if my "monopoly skills" are anything to go by, i should definitely stay away from enrolling to be on "The Apprentice"!

Today was Monday and it was an absolutely true breed Monday... It was the Mother of all Mondays and what a BITCH she was! I don't know why, but the Monday after your day off is always one of the worst! As i mentioned on my facebook profile today... I wonder if Strippers enjoy working in winter? I'm sure it totally sucks to show off your "cash and prizes" to the highest "bidder" when it's winter! Isn't it wierd that a guys "rumble pack" shrinks in winter but a chicks "treasure chest" expands at the tips!?!

Thanks... Please do stay tuned... I will be back more often! :-)

Being 25...

I have been 25 years old for a whole four days! Here are some of the things that i have learnt so far... I'm still not off the bottle and i still CRAWL to bed OCCASIONALLY!

Well, there's nothing different about being 25 other than the fact that you actually start looking in the mirror and say to yourself... "FUCK! I'm getting OLD! In five years i will be THIRTY! THIRTY is half way to SIXTY! Come to think of it, at 25 i am a quarter of a CENTURY old! FUCK!"

So what have i learnt the past 25 years? Quite alot actually... Let me quickly go into "flashback" mode and check... Lets start RIGHT at the beginning(DAMN! Not that far back! Fast forward nine months... We don't need to know how good i was at swimming!)...

So the first thing i learnt was how "kinky" doctors can get when they see "fresh" ass! Oh he is not kinky you say? Then why did he have to SLAP my ass!?! ;-)

I then learnt how to crawl then walk then eventually i learnt how to stop crapping in my pants! Went to school, learnt how to read, write, tell time... I also learnt(ofcourse the hard way!) that it isn't such a kosher idea to not do that shit teachers call homework... As i got older, i realised that these pimples were evil, then came the "stonies"... That time of a mans life where his nipples are even more sensitive than his "cash&prizes" box... The best way i can describe "stonies" is you know when you drink something super cold, that searing pain you get through your forehead called BRAINFREEZE? Now imagine that pain in your nipples! And it's a constant pain! Bad huh? Well some how, some way you always get some asshole who obviously hasn't had "stonies" come up to you when you have them and SLAPS you with a FRYING PAN on your chest! As you lie in pain he stands there LAUGHING! Why?

Then came the first time i shaved! It was so exciting! I had already heard horror stories of people who used their dad's razor's and get a serious zit infestation! So i used a clean razor to take at the SIX hairs on my face! I was so proud of my SIX hairs that i almost framed the used razor to hang it up on my wall... But then, while parading the razor around, my brother looks at me and says, "Oh, you took out your BUM FLUFF already!"... I almost cried! How could he refer to my "beard" as BUM FLUFF!?! (I hated that word so much, that i almost shaved my ASS right on the spot!)

Could carry on, but i'm getting tired and this is getting too long...

I hope the next the 25 prove to be just as educational and 100 times more pleasant(AKA-No more "stonies"&zits or setbacks!)

Ciao... Please stay tuned! :-)

Winter pissing

Hi there, okay maybe i am the only living creature on this dome we call planet earth that actually experiences this phenomenon every winter, but i am going to share it anyway!

I piss ALOT in winter! Much much more than in summer! i have no idea why, but i do... If i was a camel, every winter i would be abolished from the rest of the herd(i have no idea if you refer to a group of camels as a herd but you get my drift right?). The other camels would think one of my humps has a LEAK in it!

It's like my kidneys go into hibernation or something... So whatever i drink goes down there and probably sees a sign on each of my kidneys that says" SEE YOU IN SPRING" and has to go straight through without a "pitstop"!

You know what i hate(besides getting up in the middle of a cold winter night to go take a leak!)... When you got to go REAL BAD, you've been holding it for hours... It's like a whole cluster of pisses that joined forces and are rioting in there and you are somewhere waiting in a line, by yourself and the dude behind you just happens to be the guy who's girlfriend you hit on last weekend when you we're FUBAR! So you can't leave... You start holding on to all the shit that's around you, you start by tapping your feet, trying to negotiate a deal with the leaders of that "cluster" you have within... You break in a cold sweat... Then you start dancing "the twist" only it's a "retarded" version of it just to get rid of the urge to piss right there...

Now just think of all that on a COLD winter morning/night! It would be worse!

All this piss talk is setting me off... Sorry for leaving you with a possible visual... But i gotta GO and Go... if you know what i mean!

Ciao. Thanks and Please Stay tuned! :-)

Foreigner...(No...Not the Band!)

Yes Ladies and gentlemen... Boys and Girls... Animals(What!?! Babe(the pig) can talk! I'm sure she can READ too!!!)

My post today is about foreigners... Now, you must be thinking what the hell influenced me to write about this very overlooked topic... Well i am going to tell you... I remembered that ad i saw on TV a while back about WIMPY coffee's... You know, where the dude writes the names of the different kind of coffee's on the menu and sweet talks(actually more like tool talks, if you ask me!) his chick into some action by saying the names of the coffee's? Still nothing? Well, if this line doesn't jog your memory, than i give UP! It ends with the line: "Oh Henrrrry! I love it when you talk forrrreign!"

There we go! :-)... After having a decent laugh, i sat back and thought about this concept for a while and came to the conclusion that ALL chicks seem to like "forrreign"! YES! It's a phenomenon that i cannot explain, but chicks seem to dig dudes with accents'! EXAMPLE:

The guy can be talking about how paint dries... But if he be saying it with a little "espanhol" flair like this: "De whaait pint on dis waall will dry in theconds(seconds)"... Then chicks will be falling for this "paint job" like pet hair all over your couches!

Then you reckon, okay she digs a little "foreign" talk... What do you go and do... You try a "dab" of foreign yourself! Suddenly you FIND a lisp you never knew you had!... "Thweetheart, com an see de beautiful flowers i plant forrrr you!" You say! "Cut it out!" she replies quickly!Relieved that you can go back to your beer guzzling self you sit back and switch on your TV only to find some dude called "Juan Marco(a gardener) on a TV show about planting flowers to bring out inner peace within each one of us!" You laugh, thinking your significant other came to her senses after seeing you act "foreign" and look left only to find her "swooning" over "Juan Marco"!

So i conclude that chicks dig foreign dudes! The idea of MOVING just got more attractive!... I can go just about anywhere in the world(Except Portugal/Brazil) and call people "Como estas sacana!" at random and chicks will probably find it "cute"! Or i could go anywhere in the world(except here ofcourse!) and "gooi" my bad afrikaans around like litter by saying, "Ja julle BLIKSEMS!" And would probably be treated to some 5 star entertainment! :-)

Ciao. Stay tuned! :-)

PS- Just a thought: Do you think if SASQUATCH/SASKWATCH had a `e-spaneeshhh accent, he would suddenly become "popular" with the ladies... He would fit there "apparent" classic description... You know... He would be TALL... DARK & FORRREIGN(which for them is handsome!)

JOKING! :-)

This weekend

I went to a friends' birthday party this weekend, the theme for the party was "The Playboy Mansion"...

So, because i was driving i told myself that i was going to practice self-control and not get drunk! But like most goals in life, you need patience and you need to work hard!... How does that saying go?..."Practice makes perfect"?... Well, i guess i will just have to keep trying... Better luck next time??? Yes, i got rancidly drunk and my friends carried me to my car and drove me home!(Thanks Guys!)

It was a really cool party! Enjoyed it immensely... yes , yes even the part when i ended up flat on my back on the soccer field looking at the "spinning" stars! What i did not enjoy was waking up this morning to the sound of a "KORN concert"going on in my head!

So that is the some what short story of my weekend... Now please excuse me, while i go take care of the remainder of the hangover that is lingering somewhere in my body... Plus tomorrow is that dreaded day and the fact that it comes "suited" as a public holiday doesn't change the fact that it is a MONDAY!!!

Ciao... Please stay tuned! :-)

PS: I really didn't FALL... I really was DROPPED!!! ;-)